11 August – Result!

Well, it’s official! I’ve passed the ‘initial’ screening test and have been mailed the full application form! I am both incredibly excited and completely terrified.

I want to do this, I so, so badly want to do this – but I have so many questions running through my mind. Once I agree to it it’s just so final – no turning back. Deep in my gut I have to say that I feel this is the right thing. THIS is the difference I could make to the world. THIS is the way I could make the world a better place, give something back…

But I have so many questions, questions that nobody can possible know the answer to. Like how will I feel once we start the process? Once I’m impregnated with somebody else’s child? Will I want to weep every time the baby kicks, knowing that I’ll never be able to keep him/her? Or will I just feel joy and peace, knowing what a wonderful gift I am giving to the IP’s (Intended Parents)? Will I regret this? How will I feel when giving birth – will I be able to cope with all that pain and trauma with no baby to show for it at the end of the day? And then of course the first few days after giving birth are so revoltingly awful, and having a baby is just about the only thing that makes it bearable – the milk, the madly diving hormones, the blood… how will I cope? Will I get past it?

I have decided that I could definitely, never be a traditional surrogate (undergoing AI – artificial insemination – where my own egg is used with donor sperm), it would just be too hard knowing that that is actually MY child in every way – my egg, my womb etc…it just wouldn’t work for me. So knowing I’d be going the gestational surrogate route (where only my womb is used, donor eggs and sperm are implanted by IVF) I know, I *KNOW* that giving up the baby wouldn’t be a problem for me. The baby is in no way or form mine so it wouldn’t even cross my mind to keep it. Yet it must be so hard…especially at the end.

You spend all this time, energy and sacrifice striving for this HUGE goal of creating life, and at the end you’re just empty – left with a saggy tummy, utterly confused hormones, bodily fluids pouring out from everywhere…and just emptiness, loss, sadness… Yet at the same time it must be fill one with such euphoria to part with such an incredible gift.

And of course I have my own two children to take into account. They are so small still, how will they feel with a pregnant (read: hormonal) mommy? Especially if it’s all ‘for nothing’ (as far as their little worlds are concerned) at the end of the day. How much quality time will all the doctors appointments, hospital visits etc take away from them? And how will they feel when they’ve experienced the entire pregnancy, but have no sibling to show for it at the end of the day?

So many things to consider…

It’s all still too much for me to comprehend – can anyone provide thoughts or insight?

But I want to do this. So very, very much!

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3 Responses to “11 August – Result!”

  1. Shell Says:

    Hi Ivy..

    Glad to find a fello surro blogging! Congrats on “passing” the first step.. I look forward to sharing this journey with you.

    xx

  2. keystoclaritycoach Says:

    Hi Ivy,

    Wow you are one courageous woman! I really want to acknowledge you for the amazing gift you are giving a (probably desperate) couple! Of its normal for you to have all these floods of thoughts and emotions! Just keep reminding yourself of your intentions around this ‘project’, make it a mantra, to block out the little voice of doubt and fear. I am a life coach dedicated to supporting women on the Fertility Journey. I invite you to look at my blog, and if at any stage you feel you need a coach (is that covered in your expenses?…) I would love to connect with you on this amazing and altruistic journey you are embarking on!
    my blog is http://lifebalanceinfertilitycoach.wordpress.com

    By the way, we have the same theme template! Great minds think alike!

    Blessings!
    Coach Louise Crooks

  3. Shell Says:

    Hi There Yvy.. if you want to chat, please feel free to email me..

    s-farham@telkomsa.net

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