12 August – Decisions, decisions…

Gosh I’m still so conflicted about this whole decision making process…  I know there is theoretically no huge rush for me to decide, but I don’t like leaving things up in the air, it just doesn’t gel with me.  As far as I’m concerned there’s dilemma followed by consideration = solution.  Done, dusted, move on.

This is so not like that.  I’m constantly see-sawing – ‘yes I’ll do it’, ‘no I must be mad’, ‘first I’ll do egg donation’, ‘no maybe surrogacy first’ etc etc.  It’s really consuming me at the moment.

My current dilemma is the health risks involved in these procedures.  I’ve done some googling on the topic and have found a number of articles on reputible sites and penned by reputible authors, that lament the lack of thorough investigation on the drugs that are used for these procedures.  They’re throwing around words like ‘cancer’ and ‘fatalities’ which is pretty terrifying.  It makes me wonder – as much as I want to do this, is it worth the risk?  Is it worth taking the chance that this procedure may leave my children without a mother somewhere down the line?

I know I’m probably over-analysing this completely, but these are all things I need to think about now.  I need to face and accept any possible risks and outcomes so that eventually I will never be consumed with guilt and regret. 

Am I making too much of this all?

Possibly.  But it’s only because of my children.  I gave them life first, so they deserve priority.  They need to be first in my considerations!

I keep wishing there was an easier way.  I think if they could do an egg retrieval without all the extra drugs (to stimulate more egg production etc) I would be a LOT more relaxed about doing it.  Same with the surrogacy, if they could somehow just inject the egg & sperm in without having to go through all the hundreds of hormones, injections and meds I’d be so much happier about it all.  But it’s such a huge decision anyway…I guess it was never meant to be easy!

But at the end of it all, no matter how many arguments ‘against’ there are in my mind, I cannot stop thinking of those couples that would be so, so thankful to have a little bit of help on their journey.  It makes me think that I can’t just wimp out now – I have to find a way to make it work.  Somehow.

Can you tell how much this is playing on my mind??

Any thoughts, ideas or new research results welcome 🙂

x

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4 Responses to “12 August – Decisions, decisions…”

  1. keystoclaritycoach Says:

    Hi,

    Hmmmm, I get a sense that this is an overwhelming decision right now. Is there a rush to make this decision? Are you able to set yourself apart from this for a few days or a week, or a month, let the feelings, emotions and thoughts settle or percolate – and give yourself the space to come to a knowing of what is best for YOU?

    loving thoughts,
    Coach Louise Crooks

  2. eggorchicken Says:

    Thanks for the comments you’ve left so far! They’re really useful!! 🙂 There isn’t a rush, other than my own personality which just won’t let this go for now, lol. I won’t rush into a decision though, I’ll just agonise over it for a while.
    Thanks for help !!!
    Yvy

  3. Shell Says:

    Ai.. it really is a huge decision to make.. take your time! You will know when it is the right time! IT all kind of falls into place.. email me if you need to!!

    Shelly

  4. Amber Says:

    First off, you are an amazing woman for wanting to give so much of yourself for a couple who needs it. Amazing. Really.

    Secondly, don’t question the fact that you’re questioning the process. This would be a momentous, life changing event for you and it wouldn’t be fair to you, your family or the IPs if you didn’t question every physical and emotional aspect of it. Anyone can jump into a situation blindly, but to go with pure intent knowing the possible pain the lies ahead? That is a *true* journey.

    Good luck to you!

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