ARGH. Men can be so frustrating sometimes. You may remember that a few posts ago I mentioned that dh had theoretically agreed to the idea of me being a surrogate, even though we hadn’t really had a deep discussion about it yet…well when I mentioned something about it in passing yesterday he just got this really concerned look on his face. “What?” I asked, “Don’t you think you’ll be able to help me with the fertility meds…injections etc?” “No,” was his reply, “I’m just more concerned about this whole pregnancy thing.” “What?” I pretty much shrieked, “WHY?” “Well,” he said, “It’s just that I want our lives back again at some stage…” By now I was getting really worked up and pretty darn annoyed. “What on earth are you talking about? It’s a PREGNANCY, and surrogate one at that. It’s not our baby, it will never be our baby – it’s pregnancy, end of story. How much can that possibly impact on YOUR lifestyle??”
He had no answer for that one. Just rolled over and went to sleep. ARGH!!! If you want to argue about then at least have a good solid backing argument. How can you just roll over and go to sleep? Did it SEEM like the discussion was over???
If you’ve been following my posts then you KNOW that I’m not taking this step of being a surrogate (or wanting to be a surrogate) lightly – I know it’ll be hard and of course it’ll impact my life in a huge way, emotionally, and to a certain extent physically. Because I have small children I pretty much take it easy anyway, don’t really drink, definitely no bungi jumping (LOL) etc etc..so the only way the physical impact will be really big is if I end up with multiples, or a really awful (sickly) pregnancy. So yeah..it obviously affects me..
But HOW does this affect my husband? Yes he may have to deal with my tiredness and some unreasonable moods, but is it really such a huge stretch to allow me to be pregnant again? Maybe I should just tell him I AM going to pregnant again – he can choose whether it’s for IP’s or our own baby for us. LOL. That should shut him up pretty quickly.
LOL. For all my big talk I’ve never been the confrontational type, and I certainly wouldn’t want to force him into this if he really has valid concerns. But ‘wanting his life back’? What kind of airy-fairy mumbo-jumbo is that?
I vaguely mentioned the possibility of me being a GS (gestational surrogate) to my mom and sister over the week-end too. My mom was wholly uninterested (didn’t really contribute to the conversation at all, I don’t think she believes I’ll go through with it) and my sister was quite shocked. She kept mentioning how weird and hard it would be for them to see me with a tummy that doesn’t ‘belong’ to the family. Lol. How hard it’ll be for THEM?! Ai.
Anyway, of course everyone else’s concerns and negativity just make me all the more determined to go through with it, so the cloud does have a silver lining. I’ll just need to try and catch dh in a good moment and really talk it through with him. As I say, if he valid worries I’ll hear them out with an open mind, and if it’s something he really can’t accept then I guess I’ll have to give in gracefully…but I’m still confident we’ll get there. It’s understandable for him to have concerns I guess, look how many I’ve voiced on this blog just in the last 2 weeks…! The one thing that has cheered me up was realising he is actually validating my request now, I think he’s really starting to realise I’m being serious about this whole thing!
But MY reasons for thinking it’ll work:
It’s something I REALLY want to do, I WANT to help someone out there by doing something truly special.
I’m young, in good health and conceive easily. I’ve had really easy pregnancies and deliveries that resulted in healthy, happy babies – I really believe I can do good.
I love being pregnant and it’s a bonus to experience it again.
The timing is just really good right now – I’m working from home, the kids are in school most mornings, things are just going smoothly.
and lastly: I just want this so badly. It just feels RIGHT.
Well, I will broach it with the dear man next time we have a few minutes to ourselves (har! har!), and will definitely report back here again. Keep everything crossed please! I’d really like to get this ball rolling now 🙂
Completely off the topic, have any of you watched ‘How I met your Mother?’ My dh and I are half way through the first season and loving it. It’s really funny and just keeps getting better! Loads of fun. We look forward to our quiet time every evening when the kids are asleep and we snuggle up in bed and watch an episode with coffee and chocolate. Mmmm….bliss!!!
Tags: baby, conceive, fertility medication, frustrating, gestational surrogate, health, infertility, injections, intended parents, men, pregnancy, surrogacy, surrogate
The Egg, or am I too Chicken? 
August 24, 2008 at 6:14 pm |
Try going out to a bar and each doing several shots of good whiskey. That’s a good time to make deals. Never seen “HIMYM” but since Netflix is on my list of resolutions, I ought to give it a try.
August 26, 2008 at 2:28 am |
You need him 100% behind you. For a million reasons. I had a GS baby DIE in my body and I didn’t know it had died for 2 weeks. The sense of failure, the lack of control, “forced” to submit to invasive procedures because it was in my contract…. I needed my husband behind me. I needed that huge wall of loving support. Now I’m pregnant with twins. Does this affect him? Hell yes. What sex drive? seriously, NONE. and his lovely fit wife is large now. and not large with his child, large with someone ELSE’s baby. When I had morning sickness I jsut could NOT cook. smells made me barf. So we ate out a lot. or he brought home fast food. he loves my cooking and had to do without. Now I’m tired. All the time. And I’m only 20 weeks! But I take daily naps ( with the kids) and let the housework slack because it’s either me or the house some days. That affects him. Soon, I’ll be unable to do basic chores like changing my sons diaper because bending over like that is alreayd difficult. He’ll have to really step in as a care giver of our children. And then I’ll birth these babies. I plan to come home and sleep for a whole week. That will affect him. My post partum mood will affect him. If I get sad I need a strong shoulder, not an “i told you so”, even if it’s just in my head. I need my husband to be behind me one HUNDRED percent of the way. Because it is the whole family that deals with this surrogacy, not just me. Everyone has some changes to make, big or small. So keep talking to him. Be patient. Wait for him to be there for you 100%.
August 26, 2008 at 6:03 pm |
It’s so wonderful that you are considering being a GS. I can’t even describe the blessing that our GS has brought to our lives; it is truly immeasurable. Anyone who is willing to do this is an angel, and on behalf of all the women struggling to have a family out there, I want to say THANK YOU for having the heart to consider it.
I do want to say that you need your husband behind you. The previous commenter gave a lot of good examples, and I know our GS’s husband has been an integral part of the support for similar reasons. I can’t imagine if she didn’t have his support 100%. Keep talking to him, keep explaining why it’s something you would like to do. As for the family, our GS’s family has had varied reactions, none overly negative, none overly positive. I think the importance of that just depends on how close you are with them. Our GS’s mom has been a HUGE help in babysitting her children while she goes to appointments. She isn’t necessarily thrilled about the whole thing, but I don’t think she is really against it either. Good luck…I know it’s a huge step!
August 27, 2008 at 7:52 pm |
I don’t know if you’ve found this blog, but I bet you’d find it to be a great resource. The writer not only dealt with IF herself (and now has 4 children) but is also a gestational surrogate. She has delivered 1 “surroson” and had a m/c with a 2nd set of IPs. I believe she is exploring options for her 3rd surrogate attempt.
Start at the beginning – it’s a great blog with great information and discussions of so many things some of us would never have thought to consider. http://smartone.typepad.com/
August 30, 2008 at 4:11 am |
I know you think this doesn’t concern him, but it totally does. Your sister and mom, no big deal. They can deal with it. Your husband…..is it really worth risking your relationship with him to help someone else? I have seen surrogates do just that, and have come out on the losing end.
Pregnancy, hormones, infertility, injections, morning sickness, restrictions, commitments, these are all very hard on a marriage, for both the intended parents and the surrogate. I know I never could have delivered twins and a singleton via surrogacy if my husband hadn’t been 100% behind me. He has given me shots, taken care of me while sick, drove home from work when I needed him, and treated me like I was pregnant.
A common problem with surrogates whose families are not behind them is that they unintentionally get treated as though the pregnancy is a burden. The attitude is “Well, you WANTED to be pregnant, so you deserve to be sick” or “Whose fault is it that you are on bedrest?”
The unselfish surrogate, wanting to sacrifice her own comfort for another family, inadvertently becomes selfish in her own home, wanting her needs of helping a stranger over those of her own spouse.
I really don’t mean to sound harsh, but please, think about this before proceeding. Put your marriage first.
August 30, 2008 at 12:25 pm |
Thanks for the responses ladies, I really value and appreciate them!!
I do completely agree with you – I KNOW I need to have my husband 100% behind me, and I can honestly understand why this would be difficult for him (in which case I’ll absolutely not go this route!) – that wasn’t what the post was about.
Maybe I didn’t express myself as well as I could’ve but what irritated me was that he wasn’t interested in finding out more about WHY I want to do this, he wasn’t interested in exploring whether or not he’d be able to get on board with it…he just immediately sighed and rabbited on about ‘getting his life back’ – what rubbed me up the wrong way more than anything was the inference that his life recently (ie. our two kids, pregnancies etc) has been SUCH a burden on him and he can’t wait to move on.
Ag I do know this is a huge step, I really do, and I won’t proceed with him unless he’s completely on board. He just has this habit of shutting down as soon as HE decides he doesn’t want to do something, it frustrates me that my thoughts, feelings and opinions aren’t even asked for. If it’s a no it’s a no, without any further discussion.
Thanks for all the thoughts and advice, I really do appreciate it!!!!
x