…just a little bit.
I know that embarking on this surrogacy adventure I’m going to need to grow a thick skin, as people are bound to have their own views and many of them won’t be shy to express them. But here is the first thing that has started to kind of get under my skin on this journey.
Whenever I tell a new person (family, friend etc) that I intend on being a gestational surrogate (GS) they look a bit taken aback but riveted. The very next question is ‘Who for?’. The *second* I answer (‘I don’t know yet, I will be matched through an agency’) I’ve pretty much lost them. ‘Wow. I can understand being a GS for someone you really love and respect…but for someone you don’t even know? No ways’ (accompanied by frowning and vigorous head shaking). Subtext: you’re crazy lady. Also, you’re a cold weirdo that can just give away a child without good reason. Also you’re not looking out for your own family by doing something so rash. etc etc.
Maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion – but people really seem shocked, and dare I say, unimpressed that I am willing to do this for a family I don’t yet know.
The fact is, if I knew a family that desperately wanted and needed help in creating their family I would love nothing more than to help them out. But guess what, all of my close family and friends are either procreating on their own steam, or not ready to have kids yet. So what? I should just *not* be a GS purely because by chance I don’t know the family that requires my help yet? Seriously?? What about all the wonderful people out there that I just happen not to have met yet? I want to help, they want help…so what’s the problem??
I mean, family we’re born into, but what is friendship other than a series of random encounters that eventually (through some deeper connection based on love and trust) develop into something more?
Of course I want to know, and love and trust my future IP’s, and I’m confident that I will. I’ll find that connection, and the best thing will come of it. A brand new family.
I do understand that people are surprised when they first hear about this journey. But it gets me that often they are negative before even really listening to my responses. And by then of course, they are so blinded by their own fog of negativity that they’re not really listening to my responses anyway. They’re too busy thinking of yet another reason why this is a bad idea.
Even my gynaecologist (and yes thank you, AF stayed away long enough for me to have my check-up yesterday, so thanks for those no-AF vibes 😉 ) looked at me as if I was nuts. He was very kind, very supportive, very sweet. But definitely thought I was losing the plot.
Anyway, I’m sure on my journey I’ll come across many more irritating things…it’s all good – I’ll learn to suck it up and I’m sure, even laugh about it. I was watching some video clips on You Tube where former GS Minette Trent talks about her journey and she mentioned wearing a maternity T-shirt with “Not my husband’s baby” emblazoned on the front, and “Not mine either!” on the back. Now *that’ll* get people talking 🙂 🙂
I really want to get me one of those shirts 😉
Tags: agency, family, friendship, gestational surrogate, gynaecologist, intended parents, IP, Minette Trent, surrogacy
The Egg, or am I too Chicken? 
October 19, 2008 at 2:36 pm |
If it makes you feel better I dont think youre crazy. But growing a thicker skin, is probably a really good idea.
You know what my motto is..
It’s mind over matter, those that matter, don’t mind. And those who mind, Don’t matter! 🙂
October 19, 2008 at 5:17 pm |
Yes, get that thick skin growing, because that exact sentiment ( only for the closest of close family/friends) is the biggest response you’ll get. Pretty much ALL conflict starts there, then trickles down to the compensation part. The good news is when you meet your IP’s and form that bond… you can honestly say you’re a surrogate for friends. That smooths over any new questions!
October 20, 2008 at 1:37 am |
Yes, I think that people live so much in their own heads, it’s hard for them to step out and really be aware of how their words/reactions affect others. Yes, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of this, and you’ll develop excellent insult-deflection skills as a result. What if you come up with a repertoire of good “comebacks” – like one-liners to just give a really concise reason or even a joke response, and if people care enough to know more, they’ll ask. I think I’d respond with, “just doing my part to counterbalance all the crack mommies out there.” ha!
October 20, 2008 at 1:54 pm |
:O) Sounds like you have some people that care about you. I think that when it comes to surrogacy, it’s so hard for people to not jump to their own opinions without giving the facts. Just as an observer looking in, I think that your response of “I don’t know yet.” can shock someone that doesn’t understand the heart of surrogacy. I think that if you said: “For someone/a couple that really needs my help” It may soften it a bit. And it is the total truth. Fact of the matter is, although you don’t know your IP’s yet, you will and will be fast friends if you find your right match. Not everyone will understand your decision but as you go along, I can tell that you are the type of person who will educate and show the beauty of surrogacy. So you may just change some minds along the way…..
October 20, 2008 at 7:29 pm |
I think people often mean well but don’t think before they speak, especially on a topic they probably know nothing about. Trust me, I think any infertile will tell you, I’ve heard some precious gems of advice and judgement about the choices I’ve made and the experiences I’ve had to endure because of my infertility.
Crack it up to ignorance and yes definitely, time for a thicker skin!
You’re doing a truly beautiful thing!
October 21, 2008 at 12:28 am |
People who know nothing about infertility are hopelessly unaware of the issues and emotions surrounding it. You are a beautiful person to consider doing this, *especially* for someone you don’t know! That’s amazing! I hope you are joining surrogate websites and talking to other surros in forums so you can get more support. And talk to IMs to see how much wonderful people like you have changed their lives. YOU are wonderful, and don’t let people make you think otherwise. 🙂
March 19, 2009 at 10:10 pm |
I truly believe this is one of the most beautiful gifts you could ever give to someone… My friend was in a car accident when she was six months old and her womb was destroyed when she was flung through the windscreen. Now she is married and her and her husband really wanted to have children, but without a womb…well you know the story. They are a wonderful couple; they would take all their nieces and nephews on holidays. All they wanted was a child of their own. Well thanks to someone like you, someone who was willing to lend them a womb, they are no longer childless, they have a beautiful baby boy, who is two now. So I think you are wonderful, don’t listen to anyone that is negative, because I have seen what a miracle is – and if you can help make that miracle come true, then I say why not. Go for it. Good for you.
Keep Smiling, the world is still a wonderful place with wonderful people.