Archive for January, 2009

26 January – Question??

January 26, 2009

Thanks for the comments in my last post, they really all meant so much to me!  And I appreciate all the encouraging words so much at this stage, so thank you all!

Now a quick question – I got a comment mentioning doing a “natural cycle with FET” and therefore “no need for BCP”.  Being a newbie to this I had no idea what FET means, so I googled and came up with Frozen Embryo Transfer and Fresh Embryo Transfer.  Now this natural cycle IVF REALLY appeals to me, I am admittedly a bit nervous of doing all those shots during the IVF, but I am very much prepared and willing to go through it if that’s what it takes – but if there’s an alternative way????  Why I’d be welcoming it with open arms!  Mostly I just don’t like the idea of pumping my body full of meds, chemicals and hormones if there was a way to avoid it…so can anyone explain to me exactly what a “natural cycle with FET” entails and under what circumstances it is viable?

Obviously at the end of the day the decision would be made by my IP’s and FS, but I’m still quite far away from that at the moment so I just want to know what the basic conditions are.  I.e. do you need frozen embryo’s (to help with the timing in case my cycle isn’t 100% spot on that month) or does it also work with fresh ones?  I read that you need quite a predictable cycle, my cycle is always between 26-30 days, and my luteal phase is always 12 days, no LP defect etc etc – would that be considered predictable enough?

Any info would be greatly appreciated, I have tried googling for info but it’s all either too basic, or far too complicated – and I just can’t seem to get the answers I need, LOL.  If it’s easier you’re welcome to email the info to me at yv*ytur*ner@ho*tma*il.com (without the stars, lol).

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20 January – Back to reality!

January 20, 2009

**DISCLAIMER, mainly for KuKd vets, this post truly shows how clueless I can be about IF – so please proceed with caution.  All I’m trying to do here is put my own thoughts based on my own experience out there, and hope nothing I’ve said in any way offends anyone.  I do realise thoughts like “Oh wow, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t get pregnant after one IVF” might make you want to b*tch-slap me, yet based on my own experience falling preggy hasn’t ever been an issue so that thought WAS a revelation to me.  You know??

Anyway, if you decide to go ahead and read you have my full permission to roll your eyes (and curse a bit) at my naivete. ” Assvice” also welcome where applicable 😉

Well, the new year is now certainly in full swing! The kids are back to school and life is returning to a semblance of normality.  I still start and end every day with all my homeopathic meds (5 different types in all, 4 to take 2x per day, and 1 to take 3x per day – that’s 11 sessions of meds every day!!!) – great practise for upcoming IVF’s I’m sure!  I’m still very hopeful and quite confident that the meds are working..my energy levels are something else!  I’ve been exercising virtually every day and am loving it!  I try to do different things to avoid boredom, but over the past week I’ve gone on brisk walks through our estate, done Tai-Bo, Yoga, jogging and Aerobics.  And it’s been really fun!!!  The doc mentioned that exercise would help to kick my thyroid into gear so here’s hoping…

I’ve mentioned a few times recently how desperate I am to get this surrogacy journey going – and I truly can’t wait.  But why is that every time I feel POSITIVE that it’s the right thing to do, something makes me stop and doubt for a few seconds?

And it’s not even about the surrogacy journey any more.  I have, without a doubt, made my peace with that – it’s what I want, more than anything, to do.  But I keep thinking about the risks involved in pregnancy and childbirth…and honestly it’s not like I want to keep thinking about it…things just keep happening to remind me that pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly.  And it’s not like I’m harping on about the same issues – I keep hearing about new weird and wonderful things I’ve never even heard of!  I read one surrogacy story about a woman, Carolyn Zinn who had 5 failed IVF’s in a row on her journey to being a surrogate.  That just hadn’t factored into my thinking before…I just figured, you know, go for IVF and fall preggy?!  (yes naive and ridiculous I know, I’m sorry – but it really was like – OMG, she had all those injections, procedures, transfers within a YEAR and *still* wasn’t preggy. Holy Crap!) And for the first time a light really went on about some of the emotional toll just TTC’ing a surro baby must take. I mean – the PReSSURE.  Someone is spending all these huge amounts of money…and you really have no control on the results…yet all this pressure is laid squarely on your shoulders.  And that’s just to get a BFP.  Then it continues – every doctor’s appointment, every urine test, every scan etc…all continuous tests that you feel pressured to ‘pass’.  Scary.

And of course suddenly there is an onslaught of people that I’m aware of with all sorts of weird ‘conditions’ – my one friend gave birth about a week ago and suddenly she’s in hospital with suspected post-partum eclampsia!  Huh??  I was under the impression that once you give birth eclampsia is history but apparently not always?!  Any a million other things that could go wrong…

But then…then there’s the fact that I AM still fairly young, that I HAVE had a history of very easy pregnancies…the odds are in my favour…

and…

mostly…

There’s creating life. Creating a family. A brand new family.

My kids occasionally drive me around the bed but I love. I *love* being a mom.  It’s the best thing in the world.

And if I can help a family – any family – achieve that…then that would be the best thing ever, and the risks are worth it.

19 January – My dream last night…

January 19, 2009

Last night I had such a vivid dream, and I just want to capture it here – before it floats away as dreams tend to do…

I think the dream stemmed from the fact that a few of my fellow Gestational Surrogate (GS) bloggers have just given birth to their surro-babies.  Obviously with me wanting to do the same thing I’ve spend a lot of time wondering what they must be going through and how they must be feeling…

In my dream I was heavily pregnant with a surro-baby, and beginning to go into labour.  I remember the big belly, the sadness of knowing this journey was just about over, but yet the overwhelming excitement of knowing that I was about to give life to a new family.  I felt incredibly emotional, but in a good way.

The dream was pretty convoluted and at times didn’t make much sense (although it made sense at the time if you know what I mean).  I was pregnant with someone else’s baby, but hadn’t actually been properly matched to my IP’s yet (??? LOL).  So I was in labour but the IP’s weren’t there, as they didn’t even know that I was expecting their baby yet.

I remember that I was getting to the stage where I had to push – I clearly remember hoping that the IP’s would come – and also that they would then stay by my head, LOL.  And suddenly the baby was here.  Funny that after giving drug-free birth twice I just managed to gloss over the actual pain of giving birth in my dream – lol.  I guess maybe that’s because I already know what that entails.  I know exactly how sore it is, but I also know that I CAN do it.  I have done it before and I’ll manage to do it again… I believe the purpose of this dream was more about preparing me for the emotional rollercoaster of being a surrogate.

Anyway, the baby was born with no sign of the IP’s, so the baby was wrapped up and handed straight to me.  It was unconceivable that she wouldn’t be cuddled immediately by someone!  She was beautiful, tiny and new and just perfect. Even though I didn’t in any way feel like she was mine, or like I wanted to keep her – I just remember that feeling of emotions rising up in my chest, a heavy feeling like I was holding back a sob?  I felt very proud, very happy, very overwhelmed.

She kept turning her head towards me and rooting for the breast, and I felt so bad that I couldn’t feed her – it was like my body instinctively wanted to feed her, but my heart and mind didn’t agree.  I was worried about her being hungry though and kept hoping that the IP’s would come soon to give her some food.

Eventually the IP’s did arrive, and I remember apologising over and over that they couldn’t be there for the birth.  I just kept saying “I’m so sorry she just came so fast”.  They didn’t mind at all and were just immediately wrapped up in their little baby girl.  They were elated and thankful and wonderful.

It made everything worth it – although that emotional feeling stayed with me, even now as I sit here typing this I can still feel that emotional, heavy feeling on my chest.  I was just so real.

It was a wonderful dream though. I know without a doubt that this is something I need and want to do.  As difficult as it will be at times it’s bound to be in incredible journey, and I just can’t wait to get on board!!!!!

17 January – My thyroid…and Wouter!

January 17, 2009

I’m convinced my meds are working!!! I’m still a bundle of energy, and I swear my thyroid was looking slightly smaller this morning! Yippeeeeeeee 🙂 🙂

Little Wouter is doing pretty well!! He’s eating a bit again, and responding basically as well as can be expected due to the chemo.  We’re all praying very hard for him and would love it if you could the same.  His mom has just started her own blog chronicling his story, so please mosey on over and give some encouragement to the family: Krokkenoster – Wouter’s Story.

Also, I’m unbelievably excited that one of my favourite bloggers – S & B from “Our Surrogacy Journey of Hope” blog – will finally be meeting her baby daughter, anytime now.  She announced about 4 hours ago that things are finally happening, so here’s sending wonderfully easy and special birth vibes their way!  Go and give them some love, this really has been a long journey for them!  I should be sleeping now in fact, but I just can’t seem to stop refreshing their page waing for an update!!! Very exciting stuff 🙂

15 January – Updated update!

January 15, 2009

Justs after posting my update yesterday my homeopath called me.  I had assumed I didn’t have Hashimoto’s as he had said he would call me, and it’s been 10 days since the blood test, but he DID call yesterday to say sorry that he hasn’t been in touch but that he had been called out of town on an emergency.

He says my bloods do indicate a ‘slight Hashimoto’s’ (normal bloods would be under 20, extreme is in the 1000’s…mine was in the 100’s), so I went to collect some additional meds yesterday and now we’re hoping this will work.  So another month from now and hopefully we’ll know what’s happening. 🙂

14 January – Tardy Update

January 14, 2009

Yes I know I said I’d let you know – I am tardy and I apologise!  😉

Firstly, little Wouter 😦  Unfortunately they did find another tumour, on his heart now.  The scary thing is that it wasn’t there one week, and suddenly the next week it was there and already 3x3cm.  He has now begun Chemo and we can only hope and pray that this little guy stays strong and fights.  He had his second week of chemo yesterday and is at home now, tired and weak but otherwise doing ok.  Please, please pray that the chemo shrinks especially the heart tumour as clearly surgery is not an option there.

The family are being so brave and strong, but of course this is incredibly difficult for them so please lift them up in prayer and help them to be strong for their little boy, and their healthy little daughter (1year) who is too young to realise what is happening.

On to my surrogacy update – my news wasn’t great unfortunately.  I went for my bloods about 10 days ago and the levels (which we were hoping would drop substantially) actually rose ever so slightly 😦  The homeopath thought that might indicate Hashimoto’s so I went for a blood test but it appears not to be the case!  He has now started me on a different set of meds and oh my word I am like an energiser bunny at the moment – bouncing off the walls!  I have had endless energy since the day I started the new medication.  I’m desperately hoping this means that the meds are actually working, but of course it could simply meant hat he’s given me something with loads of caffeine in, lol, but I really am feeling amazing.  I’ve been spring-cleaning my house, cooking and baking elaborate meals, staying up late reading and waking refreshed and energized in the mornings.  I’ve even restarted my exercise regime and am LOVING it!  So here’s hoping THESE will be the meds to sort me out! 🙂

I need to go back to see the homeopath in early Feb so find out whether the meds are working so please keep those fingers crossed.  I’m desperate to meet my IP’s and continue down the surrogacy road now, I literally feel like a horse at the Durban July – in the starting blocks and prancing from foot to foot, just straining to get out!!! 🙂