20 January – Back to reality!

**DISCLAIMER, mainly for KuKd vets, this post truly shows how clueless I can be about IF – so please proceed with caution.  All I’m trying to do here is put my own thoughts based on my own experience out there, and hope nothing I’ve said in any way offends anyone.  I do realise thoughts like “Oh wow, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t get pregnant after one IVF” might make you want to b*tch-slap me, yet based on my own experience falling preggy hasn’t ever been an issue so that thought WAS a revelation to me.  You know??

Anyway, if you decide to go ahead and read you have my full permission to roll your eyes (and curse a bit) at my naivete. ” Assvice” also welcome where applicable 😉

Well, the new year is now certainly in full swing! The kids are back to school and life is returning to a semblance of normality.  I still start and end every day with all my homeopathic meds (5 different types in all, 4 to take 2x per day, and 1 to take 3x per day – that’s 11 sessions of meds every day!!!) – great practise for upcoming IVF’s I’m sure!  I’m still very hopeful and quite confident that the meds are working..my energy levels are something else!  I’ve been exercising virtually every day and am loving it!  I try to do different things to avoid boredom, but over the past week I’ve gone on brisk walks through our estate, done Tai-Bo, Yoga, jogging and Aerobics.  And it’s been really fun!!!  The doc mentioned that exercise would help to kick my thyroid into gear so here’s hoping…

I’ve mentioned a few times recently how desperate I am to get this surrogacy journey going – and I truly can’t wait.  But why is that every time I feel POSITIVE that it’s the right thing to do, something makes me stop and doubt for a few seconds?

And it’s not even about the surrogacy journey any more.  I have, without a doubt, made my peace with that – it’s what I want, more than anything, to do.  But I keep thinking about the risks involved in pregnancy and childbirth…and honestly it’s not like I want to keep thinking about it…things just keep happening to remind me that pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly.  And it’s not like I’m harping on about the same issues – I keep hearing about new weird and wonderful things I’ve never even heard of!  I read one surrogacy story about a woman, Carolyn Zinn who had 5 failed IVF’s in a row on her journey to being a surrogate.  That just hadn’t factored into my thinking before…I just figured, you know, go for IVF and fall preggy?!  (yes naive and ridiculous I know, I’m sorry – but it really was like – OMG, she had all those injections, procedures, transfers within a YEAR and *still* wasn’t preggy. Holy Crap!) And for the first time a light really went on about some of the emotional toll just TTC’ing a surro baby must take. I mean – the PReSSURE.  Someone is spending all these huge amounts of money…and you really have no control on the results…yet all this pressure is laid squarely on your shoulders.  And that’s just to get a BFP.  Then it continues – every doctor’s appointment, every urine test, every scan etc…all continuous tests that you feel pressured to ‘pass’.  Scary.

And of course suddenly there is an onslaught of people that I’m aware of with all sorts of weird ‘conditions’ – my one friend gave birth about a week ago and suddenly she’s in hospital with suspected post-partum eclampsia!  Huh??  I was under the impression that once you give birth eclampsia is history but apparently not always?!  Any a million other things that could go wrong…

But then…then there’s the fact that I AM still fairly young, that I HAVE had a history of very easy pregnancies…the odds are in my favour…

and…

mostly…

There’s creating life. Creating a family. A brand new family.

My kids occasionally drive me around the bed but I love. I *love* being a mom.  It’s the best thing in the world.

And if I can help a family – any family – achieve that…then that would be the best thing ever, and the risks are worth it.

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6 Responses to “20 January – Back to reality!”

  1. monica lemoine Says:

    This is a great post, EggorC. It’s really fascinating to hear your perspective, the ins and outs of why. I like the blue bar on top, too.

  2. bumpfairy Says:

    It’s good that you recognise the pressure to perform now. When it hits many of us first timers later on, it’s quite a stressful shock! It’s all part of being as prepared as you can be, and you sound like you’re on the right track!

  3. Shaz Says:

    Hey Skat.
    I don’t think ANYONE will be offended by your naivety, we ALL start out this journey believing that the first one will be it. In fact most infertiles start out saying things like “I’ll never have IVF” but its a process and as you work through the process so your eyes get opened up to all the possibilities. Every infertile will tell you they started their IVF believing this was it and thats what makes a the first failed IVF so difficult, the horrible realization that it isn’t a miracle treatment that automatically results in a baby.

    And like anything in life, their will be pitfalls and negative things, but the outcome of what you’re doing is so amazing and fantastical that once you cross that line, everything that went before will be forgotten.

    All the best.

  4. Suro Says:

    Great post!! I know I have had my own fears getting started
    I focus on what I know!
    I know I have had easy pregnancy’s in the past
    I am young and most of all I keep my mind set on helping the ducks have a baby. In my life I really have stopped playing the “what if” game because it is a dangerous one. That is not to say I never consider things. I always consider the worst but aim for the best!! A mentor of mine once said ” I get car insurance not with the intention of getting in an accident, I get it to consider the worst and never think about it again”

    When the ducks and I were talking about all the crazy things that could happen and what would the outcome be so we could have it in the contract it was a little freaky!

    We just know the actual chances of any of that happening are slim so we move forward with joy and knowing this journey is going to be a great one! We can’t focus on everyone else’s stories we need to focus on ours and make it the best we can!!

  5. duck Says:

    hey,
    So wow – yeah most gestational surogacy stories are – boom ivf done pregnant, or that has been my experience -but really chances are as good as the eggs are – know what I mean? So sometimes you hear of numerous IVFs and no dice and sometimes it’s quick!
    Oh you were asking my surro (surro) where she is – we are doing a natural FET so no bcp – just estrace starting day 3 – scan 1 week later then hopefully transfer!

  6. Shell Says:

    Hi there.. yip!! I so get what you are saying! Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have a MC with my surro babe!! or that things would go wrong with my im and that she would have AMH “trouble!”

    We live and learn.. What a journey!

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