Posts Tagged ‘coping after loss’

To add insult to injury…

March 4, 2013

My milk has come in.

It’s emotionally so difficult.  I constantly feel the tightness in my chest, and have had one or two tiny letdowns where a bit of milk has come out, but it’s not too bad.  I think if I leave it it should just dry up on it’s own but it’s tough.

On the one hand I’m so grateful that my body at least knows what it’s doing and is responding correctly.  I am also absolutely amazed at nature and how my body at only around 14/15 weeks of pregnancy is already capable of making milk.  Wow.

But on the other hand it is so heartbreaking.  My body keeps cruelly reminding me that this milk is for HIM! I feel like this is the last link to my baby boy and as much as it pains me to HAVE the milk, I know I will also have a meltdown one day when I check and the milk has dried up.  Everything about this just seems so wrong.

The rollercoaster of emotions is ridiculous – I guess it doesn’t help that my poor hormones are doing loop the loops in mass confusion, but one minute I want the milk and the bleeding to stop…the next I don’t.  One minute I want to fall pregnant THIS MONTH just to help me move on, the next I don’t ever want to go through this again as it’s just too hard.  One minute I’m laughing, the next I’m sobbing…it’s ridiculous really, up, down, up, down…  But I know it’s early days.  Heck it’s been only 5 days since I met, and lost, my precious baby boy.  And if time doesn’t completely heal…well I’m sure it will go a long way towards helping.

On a further bittersweet note I am getting a photo of my baby boy.  At the hospital when we spent time with Baby Joseph the midwife asked if we’d like pictures and we both said no. We were in such shock, to be honest we were not in the right frame of mind to be making any big decisions.  Anyhow, by Friday Leon and I had both realised our huge mistake and were so regretting our hasty decision.  Of COURSE we want a photo, he’s our son!! And we both felt suddenly so scared of forgetting any tiny detail about him.  Anyhow I contacted the hospital on the off chance and hallelujah, those wonderful midwives had taken a photo or two anyway and kept it in my file in case we changed our minds.  I am allowed to collect it/them tomorrow and I am so unbelievably relieved and grateful.  I’m going to have a photo of my baby!!!!! The staff at the hospital has a HUGE box of biscuits/chocs or something special heading towards them I tell you.

Of course I started sobbing the moment I put the phone down.  What a huge moment!

Anyway, we got some lovely plants this week-end to plant in our baby’s honour.  I’ll post photo’s once everything is done, but it’s all coming together.  Our baby will not be forgotten.

Thank you for all the continuing thoughts and prayers – they mean the world to us.

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