Posts Tagged ‘IP’

26 January – Question??

January 26, 2009

Thanks for the comments in my last post, they really all meant so much to me!  And I appreciate all the encouraging words so much at this stage, so thank you all!

Now a quick question – I got a comment mentioning doing a “natural cycle with FET” and therefore “no need for BCP”.  Being a newbie to this I had no idea what FET means, so I googled and came up with Frozen Embryo Transfer and Fresh Embryo Transfer.  Now this natural cycle IVF REALLY appeals to me, I am admittedly a bit nervous of doing all those shots during the IVF, but I am very much prepared and willing to go through it if that’s what it takes – but if there’s an alternative way????  Why I’d be welcoming it with open arms!  Mostly I just don’t like the idea of pumping my body full of meds, chemicals and hormones if there was a way to avoid it…so can anyone explain to me exactly what a “natural cycle with FET” entails and under what circumstances it is viable?

Obviously at the end of the day the decision would be made by my IP’s and FS, but I’m still quite far away from that at the moment so I just want to know what the basic conditions are.  I.e. do you need frozen embryo’s (to help with the timing in case my cycle isn’t 100% spot on that month) or does it also work with fresh ones?  I read that you need quite a predictable cycle, my cycle is always between 26-30 days, and my luteal phase is always 12 days, no LP defect etc etc – would that be considered predictable enough?

Any info would be greatly appreciated, I have tried googling for info but it’s all either too basic, or far too complicated – and I just can’t seem to get the answers I need, LOL.  If it’s easier you’re welcome to email the info to me at yv*ytur*ner@ho*tma*il.com (without the stars, lol).

19 January – My dream last night…

January 19, 2009

Last night I had such a vivid dream, and I just want to capture it here – before it floats away as dreams tend to do…

I think the dream stemmed from the fact that a few of my fellow Gestational Surrogate (GS) bloggers have just given birth to their surro-babies.  Obviously with me wanting to do the same thing I’ve spend a lot of time wondering what they must be going through and how they must be feeling…

In my dream I was heavily pregnant with a surro-baby, and beginning to go into labour.  I remember the big belly, the sadness of knowing this journey was just about over, but yet the overwhelming excitement of knowing that I was about to give life to a new family.  I felt incredibly emotional, but in a good way.

The dream was pretty convoluted and at times didn’t make much sense (although it made sense at the time if you know what I mean).  I was pregnant with someone else’s baby, but hadn’t actually been properly matched to my IP’s yet (??? LOL).  So I was in labour but the IP’s weren’t there, as they didn’t even know that I was expecting their baby yet.

I remember that I was getting to the stage where I had to push – I clearly remember hoping that the IP’s would come – and also that they would then stay by my head, LOL.  And suddenly the baby was here.  Funny that after giving drug-free birth twice I just managed to gloss over the actual pain of giving birth in my dream – lol.  I guess maybe that’s because I already know what that entails.  I know exactly how sore it is, but I also know that I CAN do it.  I have done it before and I’ll manage to do it again… I believe the purpose of this dream was more about preparing me for the emotional rollercoaster of being a surrogate.

Anyway, the baby was born with no sign of the IP’s, so the baby was wrapped up and handed straight to me.  It was unconceivable that she wouldn’t be cuddled immediately by someone!  She was beautiful, tiny and new and just perfect. Even though I didn’t in any way feel like she was mine, or like I wanted to keep her – I just remember that feeling of emotions rising up in my chest, a heavy feeling like I was holding back a sob?  I felt very proud, very happy, very overwhelmed.

She kept turning her head towards me and rooting for the breast, and I felt so bad that I couldn’t feed her – it was like my body instinctively wanted to feed her, but my heart and mind didn’t agree.  I was worried about her being hungry though and kept hoping that the IP’s would come soon to give her some food.

Eventually the IP’s did arrive, and I remember apologising over and over that they couldn’t be there for the birth.  I just kept saying “I’m so sorry she just came so fast”.  They didn’t mind at all and were just immediately wrapped up in their little baby girl.  They were elated and thankful and wonderful.

It made everything worth it – although that emotional feeling stayed with me, even now as I sit here typing this I can still feel that emotional, heavy feeling on my chest.  I was just so real.

It was a wonderful dream though. I know without a doubt that this is something I need and want to do.  As difficult as it will be at times it’s bound to be in incredible journey, and I just can’t wait to get on board!!!!!

18 October – What gets to me…

October 18, 2008

…just a little bit.

I know that embarking on this surrogacy adventure I’m going to need to grow a thick skin, as people are bound to have their own views and many of them won’t be shy to express them.  But here is the first thing that has started to kind of get under my skin on this journey.

Whenever I tell a new person (family, friend etc) that I intend on being a gestational surrogate (GS) they look a bit taken aback but riveted.  The very next question is ‘Who for?’.  The *second* I answer (‘I don’t know yet, I will be matched through an agency’) I’ve pretty much lost them.  ‘Wow. I can understand being a GS for someone you really love and respect…but for someone you don’t even know? No ways’ (accompanied by frowning and vigorous head shaking).  Subtext: you’re crazy lady.  Also, you’re a cold weirdo that can just give away a child without good reason.  Also you’re not looking out for your own family by doing something so rash.  etc etc.

Maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion – but people really seem shocked, and dare I say, unimpressed that I am willing to do this for a family I don’t yet know.

The fact is, if I knew a family that desperately wanted and needed help in creating their family I would love nothing more than to help them out.  But guess what, all of my close family and friends are either procreating on their own steam, or not ready to have kids yet.  So what? I should just *not* be a GS purely because by chance I don’t know the family that requires my help yet?  Seriously??  What about all the wonderful people out there that I just happen not to have met yet?  I want to help, they want help…so what’s the problem??

I mean, family we’re born into, but what is friendship other than a series of random encounters that eventually (through some deeper connection based on love and trust) develop into something more?

Of course I want to know, and love and trust my future IP’s, and I’m confident that I will.  I’ll find that connection, and the best thing will come of it.  A brand new family.

I do understand that people are surprised when they first hear about this journey.  But it gets me that often they are negative before even really listening to my responses.  And by then of course, they are so blinded by their own fog of negativity that they’re not really listening to my responses anyway.  They’re too busy thinking of yet another reason why this is a bad idea.

Even my gynaecologist (and yes thank you, AF stayed away long enough for me to have my check-up yesterday, so thanks for those no-AF vibes 😉  ) looked at me as if I was nuts.  He was very kind, very supportive, very sweet.  But definitely thought I was losing the plot.

Anyway, I’m sure on my journey I’ll come across many more irritating things…it’s all good – I’ll learn to suck it up and I’m sure, even laugh about it.  I was watching some video clips on You Tube where former GS Minette Trent talks about her journey and she mentioned wearing a maternity T-shirt with “Not my husband’s baby” emblazoned on the front, and “Not mine either!” on the back. Now *that’ll* get people talking 🙂 🙂

I really want to get me one of those shirts 😉

15 October – Things in the pipeline..

October 15, 2008

Things are moving along as smoothly as can be expected!

1. I have an exam scheduled with my own gynae this week friday.  This is not in any way a requirement of the agency, but I just felt it makes sense to speak to someone that knows my full history and has only *my* interests at heart about this decision.  Since the CIN1 I also never miss an opportunity to go for a check-up, so it seemed like a good idea all around.

The only spanner in the works is that when I made the appointment 3 weeks ago I accepted the first available slot and never considered where I would be in my cycle.  True as nuts I’m due to come on any day now, and have experienced mild cramping all morning.  I’m still sitting tight and holding thumbs that AF does not arrive before Friday, but I know Murphy and his stupid Law so chances are it’ll happen. *sigh*.  In that case I’ll phone the gynae’s offices and ask if I can reschedule.  I really want to get this done asap though so here’s hoping…!


2. I have finally managed to secure an appointment for my psychological screening.  This will happen next Wednesday morning.  Once my I’ve finished the consult I can apparently expect it to takes up to 2 weeks for the report on me to be compiled and filed with the agency, so I won’t be holding my breath.


3. I’ve approached a couple of friends and family members to compile some references for me, which the agency also requires.  I’m hoping to be able to send these to the agency within the next few days.


Once all the above are sorted (and assuming everything is in order) we’ll start planning my trip to Cape Town / Johannesburg for my medical workup, meeting with lawyers and a social worker – and to meet IP’s!!!  I’m so very excited about that trip, can’t wait for things to get moving now.


BUT in the meantime we are getting there..that’s the main thing!

Please send non-AF vibes until Friday lunchtime, lol.

28 September – The verdict is IN!

September 28, 2008

He said YES, he said, YES! Holy crap HE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in case you’ve only just started reading my blog – I asked my dear husband to think over the possibility of me becoming a surrogate mother and he has *finally* answered. And yup, I have to say it again…just for the thrill of it – HE SAID YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

I’m so, so, so excited. I know it’s just one more hurdle (and there are a whole lot more to come!) but it is certainly a significant step forward!

*I have ‘passed’ the initial screening/application
*I have wrapped my own head around the enormity of what i’m about to undertake
*I have my dh’s full support

Now I need to fill in the full application, go for a medical screening, go for a psychological screening, meet IP’s (intended parents). Once I’ve found a couple that I want to work with (and that wants to work with me!) we need to go through all the legalities, make a million and one choices…and never mind all the injections, scans (dildo-cams, ARGH!) etc. Yup, it’s a loong road ahead but what an exciting one. I honestly cannot WAIT to get on it.

I just hope I manage to pass all the other screening tests. My dh reckons I should try to get a ‘surrogate’ to stand in for me at the psychological screening. Grrr…;)

I’m literally bouncing here, I am sooooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!

11 August – Result!

August 11, 2008

Well, it’s official! I’ve passed the ‘initial’ screening test and have been mailed the full application form! I am both incredibly excited and completely terrified.

I want to do this, I so, so badly want to do this – but I have so many questions running through my mind. Once I agree to it it’s just so final – no turning back. Deep in my gut I have to say that I feel this is the right thing. THIS is the difference I could make to the world. THIS is the way I could make the world a better place, give something back…

But I have so many questions, questions that nobody can possible know the answer to. Like how will I feel once we start the process? Once I’m impregnated with somebody else’s child? Will I want to weep every time the baby kicks, knowing that I’ll never be able to keep him/her? Or will I just feel joy and peace, knowing what a wonderful gift I am giving to the IP’s (Intended Parents)? Will I regret this? How will I feel when giving birth – will I be able to cope with all that pain and trauma with no baby to show for it at the end of the day? And then of course the first few days after giving birth are so revoltingly awful, and having a baby is just about the only thing that makes it bearable – the milk, the madly diving hormones, the blood… how will I cope? Will I get past it?

I have decided that I could definitely, never be a traditional surrogate (undergoing AI – artificial insemination – where my own egg is used with donor sperm), it would just be too hard knowing that that is actually MY child in every way – my egg, my womb etc…it just wouldn’t work for me. So knowing I’d be going the gestational surrogate route (where only my womb is used, donor eggs and sperm are implanted by IVF) I know, I *KNOW* that giving up the baby wouldn’t be a problem for me. The baby is in no way or form mine so it wouldn’t even cross my mind to keep it. Yet it must be so hard…especially at the end.

You spend all this time, energy and sacrifice striving for this HUGE goal of creating life, and at the end you’re just empty – left with a saggy tummy, utterly confused hormones, bodily fluids pouring out from everywhere…and just emptiness, loss, sadness… Yet at the same time it must be fill one with such euphoria to part with such an incredible gift.

And of course I have my own two children to take into account. They are so small still, how will they feel with a pregnant (read: hormonal) mommy? Especially if it’s all ‘for nothing’ (as far as their little worlds are concerned) at the end of the day. How much quality time will all the doctors appointments, hospital visits etc take away from them? And how will they feel when they’ve experienced the entire pregnancy, but have no sibling to show for it at the end of the day?

So many things to consider…

It’s all still too much for me to comprehend – can anyone provide thoughts or insight?

But I want to do this. So very, very much!