7 September – The Waiting Game..

So, I still haven’t heard anything from my dear husband since our Big Chat.  And to my credit I haven’t even asked him anything about it – I’m pretty proud of myself because even though it’s only been 5 days or so it feels like WEEK have passed and I spend a good part of the day doing the verbal equivalent of sitting on my hands, to stop myself from asking him, all because I swore to myself that I would not nag or sway his decision in any way.  So, yah…5 days on and so far so good.

I was very excited because yesterday he asked me a question about losing pregnancy weight without breastfeeding to help, so it’s obviously still on still on his mind, yayness 😉  Keep those good thoughts coming…!

Other than that I’m afraid I really don’t have anything to report!  I had a fabulous week-end, yesterday my dh and I went out for lunch with the IL’s.  We left the kids with my folks and it was really nice – it’s the first time we’ve seen the IL’s without the kids since my daughter was born 3.5 years ago!  It was quite bizarre to actually be able to sit and chat, without constantly being interrupted, lol.  TOday dh took the kids for a few hours while my mom, sister and I went to watch Mamma Mia.  Wow, I LOVED it!  It is a complete chick flick but load of fun! I’m a one of those very uncool-self-confessed-ABBA-addicts, and have always been, even when it was completely unfashionable, so I’m pretty happy with this turn of events, lol.

Keep those good thoughts coming… 🙂

x

25 August – So awful and unfair :(

I have just received news that a friend of mine has just lost her baby.

She was 13 weeks pregnant, and it seemed like a textbook pregnancy.

I have no details yet, only that the baby is definitely gone.

I feel so sad, and so angry.  It all seems so senseless, and so incredibly unfair.

Please keep her and her family in your thoughts.  It was an unplanned pregnancy to begin with, but one that they accepted with such enthusiasm and joy – so this really has been a rollercoaster ride of note. 😦

24 August – The Plot Thickens…

ARGH.  Men can be so frustrating sometimes.  You may remember that a few posts ago I mentioned that dh had theoretically agreed to the idea of me being a surrogate, even though we hadn’t really had a deep discussion about it yet…well when I mentioned something about it in passing yesterday he just got this really concerned look on his face.  “What?” I asked, “Don’t you think you’ll be able to help me with the fertility meds…injections etc?” “No,” was his reply, “I’m just more concerned about this whole pregnancy thing.”  “What?”  I pretty much shrieked, “WHY?”  “Well,” he said, “It’s just that I want our lives back again at some stage…”  By now I was getting really worked up and pretty darn annoyed.  “What on earth are you talking about?  It’s a PREGNANCY, and surrogate one at that.  It’s not our baby, it will never be our baby – it’s pregnancy, end of story.  How much can that possibly impact on YOUR lifestyle??”

He had no answer for that one.  Just rolled over and went to sleep.  ARGH!!!  If you want to argue about then at least have a good solid backing argument.  How can you just roll over and go to sleep?  Did it SEEM like the discussion was over???

If you’ve been following my posts then you KNOW that I’m not taking this step of being a surrogate (or wanting to be a surrogate) lightly – I know it’ll be hard and of course it’ll impact my life in a huge way, emotionally, and to a certain extent physically.  Because I have small children I pretty much take it easy anyway, don’t really drink, definitely no bungi jumping (LOL) etc etc..so the only way the physical impact will be really big is if I end up with multiples, or a really awful (sickly) pregnancy.  So yeah..it obviously affects me..

But HOW does this affect my husband?  Yes he may have to deal with my tiredness and some unreasonable moods, but is it really such a huge stretch to allow me to be pregnant again?  Maybe I should just tell him I AM going to pregnant again – he can choose whether it’s for IP’s or our own baby for us.  LOL.  That should shut him up pretty quickly.

LOL.  For all my big talk I’ve never been the confrontational type, and I certainly wouldn’t want to force him into this if he really has valid concerns.  But ‘wanting his life back’?  What kind of airy-fairy mumbo-jumbo is that? 

I vaguely mentioned the possibility of me being a GS (gestational surrogate) to my mom and sister over the week-end too.  My mom was wholly uninterested (didn’t really contribute to the conversation at all, I don’t think she believes I’ll go through with it) and my sister was quite shocked.  She kept mentioning how weird and hard it would be for them to see me with a tummy that doesn’t ‘belong’ to the family.  Lol.  How hard it’ll be for THEM?!  Ai. 

Anyway, of course everyone else’s concerns and negativity just make me all the more determined to go through with it, so the cloud does have a silver lining.  I’ll just need to try and catch dh in a good moment and really talk it through with him.  As I say, if he valid worries I’ll hear them out with an open mind, and if it’s something he really can’t accept then I guess I’ll have to give in gracefully…but I’m still confident we’ll get there.  It’s understandable for him to have concerns I guess, look how many I’ve voiced on this blog just in the last 2 weeks…! The one thing that has cheered me up was realising he is actually validating my request now, I think he’s really starting to realise I’m being serious about this whole thing!

But MY reasons for thinking it’ll work:

It’s something I REALLY want to do, I WANT to help someone out there by doing something truly special.

I’m young, in good health and conceive easily.  I’ve had really easy pregnancies and deliveries that resulted in healthy, happy babies – I really believe I can do good.

I love being pregnant and it’s a bonus to experience it again.

The timing is just really good right now – I’m working from home, the kids are in school most mornings, things are just going smoothly.

and lastly: I just want this so badly.  It just feels RIGHT.

Well, I will broach it with the dear man next time we have a few minutes to ourselves (har! har!), and will definitely report back here again.  Keep everything crossed please!  I’d really like to get this ball rolling now 🙂

Completely off the topic, have any of you watched ‘How I met your Mother?’  My dh and I are half way through the first season and loving it.  It’s really funny and just keeps getting better!  Loads of fun.  We look forward to our quiet time every evening when the kids are asleep and we snuggle up in bed and watch an episode with coffee and chocolate.  Mmmm….bliss!!!

20 August – Back to the drawing board…

Well, after pretty much deciding that I wanted to do egg donation first I contacted Nurture to find out about getting the process started, and was told that they are not currently involved with Clinics for Egg Donation in my neck of the woods yet.  Argh.  So back to the drawing board it it then.

I could of course go with another clinic in my area if I had my heart set on egg donation, but I really want to go with Nurture if I can…I really get the impression that they are a fabulous organisation and that I would have a really good experience with them.  So of course it’s back to thinking about Surrogacy.  And man, I want to do it – I really, really want to do it.  I still need to convince my dh of the matter – I have mentioned it a few times and he has theoretically agreed to it – but I do understand that I really need his full backing.  Then of course I need to break the news to friends and family although I’m rather inclined to just wait until the ball is rolling before I do that.  Seems like a nightmare to go through all the big discussions and ‘have-you-thought-it-all-throughs’ when I haven’t even been accepted into the program yet!!!

But we’ll see…still a big maybe, I but I think I’m getting closer and closer every day…

In the meantime, here’s a part of one of the comments I received on my blog…I thought I would use today to answer the questions:

So, what makes a person want to donate an egg or be a surrogate? What does that entail? Is there ever the tendency for surrogate mommies to want to keep the baby they incubated?

Hmm…what made me want to donate egg or be a surrogate?  I’m honestly not sure.  I think it all started with my Uncle and Aunt’s struggle with infertility.  I watched their pain and heartbreak over 10 years as they battled to conceive, only to see my Aunt eventually forced into having a full hysterectomy.  I saw just how badly they wanted a baby of their own to love, and that has really fueled me to help others in similar circumstances.  (BTW my Uncle and Aunt did eventually adopt 2 gorgeous babies, both at just a couple of days old.  They are now 7 and 4 years respectively 🙂  )The fact that I also had such fantastic pregnancies also helps – it makes it seem less of a big deal somehow, to be a surrogate.  Ag I’m not expressing myself well – of course it’s still a big deal, huge in fact, but it’s not as much of a sacrifice as it would be for someone that had really awful, difficult pregnancies, you know?!  Besides, I loved being pregnant and would enjoy another pregnancy!!!

As for what it entails I guess it’s just about wanting to help others acheive their hearts desire…in so doing I would need to be of sound mind and with a healthy body, and willing family. 🙂

And for the last questions – I’m sure we’ve all heard the odd dodgy story about a GS (gestational surrogate) that wants to keep the baby after he/she’s (or they :-p) born, it’s not impossible – but it’s not something I’m at all concerned about.  I have my own kids, and they’re just perfect for me.  Plus, this is not something I want to do out of some misguided sense of broodiness – my motivation is purely to help, to make a difference somehow, and to make some family incredibly happy 🙂

Hope that helps somewhat – would love any comments or thoughts 🙂

Have a happy day…

13 August – In absolute awe…

Since beginning this new journey of mine I have literally been eating, sleeping and dreaming of surrogacy, infertility etc etc.   I am spending countless hours in front of my laptop reading every single scrap of information I can find on the topic.

The in’s and out’s of the procedures, although interesting, are last on my list at this stage.  What I want are real insights into the world of surrogacy.  I want to know how people have managed on their journeys (from both sides of the fence, GS and IP’s), what’s been difficult and what’s been special; what regrets they have, and what parts of their journey have been priceless, rewarding, irreplaceable.

On this journey I have stumbled across countless blogs of infertile couples and all I can say is Wow.  I have the greatest respect for all of you that are grappling with such huge obstacles in your lives.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and I so desperately hope that one day you are granted your deepest wishes.  I’m in awe of the way that you are able to face what you have been dished up, and how beautifully you express yourselves.  Some of the emotions I’ve come across are so very raw, and if nothing else it just solidifies my commitment to make a difference.  Seeing those emotions…has made me more convinced than ever that I have to, no I WANT to, do something to make a difference. Admittedly I still haven’t come too much further in my decision making process, but that’s ok for now.  I will continue to read, and pray.  And I am confident that things will happen, just the way they should.

 

And to all of you showing such strength and courage in the face of such adversity, I take my hat off to you all.  You are more woman than I think I’ll ever be.

10 August – Setback?

I just received a reply to yesterday’s mail saying that on consideration I may not be eligible after all.

I suffered from CIN1 a few years ago (before my first pregnancy!) and the cells had to be surgically removed. I have been all clear ever since and have had loads of check-ups so I really hope this isn’t a stumbling block. She’s going to chat with the doctors this week and let me know.

Argh! I can’t believe how disappointed I am, I feel a bit as though I’ve been punched in the stomach. I fully understand her concern and the need to check it out thoroughly, but I would be devastated if that issue stopped me from helping someone else out now. I’ve carried two incredibly health and easy pregnancies to term since then, surely that should overrule what came before?

Feeling very frustrated right now and hoping that this isn’t already the end of my journey…
Will update as soon as I hear more!