18 October – What gets to me…

…just a little bit.

I know that embarking on this surrogacy adventure I’m going to need to grow a thick skin, as people are bound to have their own views and many of them won’t be shy to express them.  But here is the first thing that has started to kind of get under my skin on this journey.

Whenever I tell a new person (family, friend etc) that I intend on being a gestational surrogate (GS) they look a bit taken aback but riveted.  The very next question is ‘Who for?’.  The *second* I answer (‘I don’t know yet, I will be matched through an agency’) I’ve pretty much lost them.  ‘Wow. I can understand being a GS for someone you really love and respect…but for someone you don’t even know? No ways’ (accompanied by frowning and vigorous head shaking).  Subtext: you’re crazy lady.  Also, you’re a cold weirdo that can just give away a child without good reason.  Also you’re not looking out for your own family by doing something so rash.  etc etc.

Maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion – but people really seem shocked, and dare I say, unimpressed that I am willing to do this for a family I don’t yet know.

The fact is, if I knew a family that desperately wanted and needed help in creating their family I would love nothing more than to help them out.  But guess what, all of my close family and friends are either procreating on their own steam, or not ready to have kids yet.  So what? I should just *not* be a GS purely because by chance I don’t know the family that requires my help yet?  Seriously??  What about all the wonderful people out there that I just happen not to have met yet?  I want to help, they want help…so what’s the problem??

I mean, family we’re born into, but what is friendship other than a series of random encounters that eventually (through some deeper connection based on love and trust) develop into something more?

Of course I want to know, and love and trust my future IP’s, and I’m confident that I will.  I’ll find that connection, and the best thing will come of it.  A brand new family.

I do understand that people are surprised when they first hear about this journey.  But it gets me that often they are negative before even really listening to my responses.  And by then of course, they are so blinded by their own fog of negativity that they’re not really listening to my responses anyway.  They’re too busy thinking of yet another reason why this is a bad idea.

Even my gynaecologist (and yes thank you, AF stayed away long enough for me to have my check-up yesterday, so thanks for those no-AF vibes 😉  ) looked at me as if I was nuts.  He was very kind, very supportive, very sweet.  But definitely thought I was losing the plot.

Anyway, I’m sure on my journey I’ll come across many more irritating things…it’s all good – I’ll learn to suck it up and I’m sure, even laugh about it.  I was watching some video clips on You Tube where former GS Minette Trent talks about her journey and she mentioned wearing a maternity T-shirt with “Not my husband’s baby” emblazoned on the front, and “Not mine either!” on the back. Now *that’ll* get people talking 🙂 🙂

I really want to get me one of those shirts 😉

6 October – Excited!!!

Well, as you can imagine I’ve been doing nothing but eating, sleeping and dreaming surrogacy for the past while!  I’m getting so, so excited to take things to the next level!

I got some amazing advice (thank you so much to all the wonderful ladies that posted!) on my last post and have decided that as this is something I truly, deeply want to do I am going to go with my gut and Just Do It.  As I mentioned before the things that have been worrying at me a little bit aren’t the major things – they’re the details.  And the more I think about it the more I know I can live with them!

Next step now is the big phonecall with the agency.  They usually do a one-on-one meeting but seeing as there are about 1300km between us we’ll do a phonecall ‘interview’ first, and if things go well then we’ll consider when and how to take it to the next level.

In the meantime I’ve also decided to book an appointment with my own gynae.  I would really like someone that knows me and my history (CIN1, pregnancies etc) to give me an opinion on being a gestational surrogate.  He can also do a pap to ensure that all is good before I cost anyone else time and money for nothing!  My appointment is booked for next Friday, so I’ll update as and when I get results!  Please cross fingers that I get a green light – I trust and value this man very much so if he tells me not to take this any further I’ll have to believe he has very good reason for saying so!  That said though I’ve carried two incredibly easy and healthy pregnancies to term though, so I can’t imagine why there would be any issues!

I’ll update after Wednesday’s phonecall 🙂

29 September – Question for other Gestational Surrogates…

So the clinic that I would really like to go with has contacted me after filling in the application form and they seem happy with everything so far – of course it’ll take a while to get all the in depth checks done but on the surface everything looks good so far.

They’ve asked me if I would consider travelling to a particular clinic to have the procedure done (about a 2 hours flight from where I stay).  At first I was not entirely keen as I’ve never left my kids before and the thought stresses me out – but on reflection it is probably a good idea to get away.  After the transfer I could then also go straight back to the hotel and literally just stay on bedrest for at least a night to maximise the chances of the embies taking – does my logic make sense so far?

I have emailed her back with some of my questions but in the meantime – for those of you that travelled for the transfar, can you give me a rough idea of how often you had to go?  Did you initially just get sent instructions and meds and have all your initial consults in your hometown, and then only travel for the actual transfer?  Or did you have to travel often?  Also roughly how long were you away for?

If it entailed me going on one 3/4 day trip I honestly don’t think there’d be an issue, however if I was going often it would obviously be a lot harder to arrange everything!

If I’m prepared to travel then they are confident that they might be able to match me quite soon – exciting days!!!

Would love some comments, opinions or advice please 🙂

24 August – The Plot Thickens…

ARGH.  Men can be so frustrating sometimes.  You may remember that a few posts ago I mentioned that dh had theoretically agreed to the idea of me being a surrogate, even though we hadn’t really had a deep discussion about it yet…well when I mentioned something about it in passing yesterday he just got this really concerned look on his face.  “What?” I asked, “Don’t you think you’ll be able to help me with the fertility meds…injections etc?” “No,” was his reply, “I’m just more concerned about this whole pregnancy thing.”  “What?”  I pretty much shrieked, “WHY?”  “Well,” he said, “It’s just that I want our lives back again at some stage…”  By now I was getting really worked up and pretty darn annoyed.  “What on earth are you talking about?  It’s a PREGNANCY, and surrogate one at that.  It’s not our baby, it will never be our baby – it’s pregnancy, end of story.  How much can that possibly impact on YOUR lifestyle??”

He had no answer for that one.  Just rolled over and went to sleep.  ARGH!!!  If you want to argue about then at least have a good solid backing argument.  How can you just roll over and go to sleep?  Did it SEEM like the discussion was over???

If you’ve been following my posts then you KNOW that I’m not taking this step of being a surrogate (or wanting to be a surrogate) lightly – I know it’ll be hard and of course it’ll impact my life in a huge way, emotionally, and to a certain extent physically.  Because I have small children I pretty much take it easy anyway, don’t really drink, definitely no bungi jumping (LOL) etc etc..so the only way the physical impact will be really big is if I end up with multiples, or a really awful (sickly) pregnancy.  So yeah..it obviously affects me..

But HOW does this affect my husband?  Yes he may have to deal with my tiredness and some unreasonable moods, but is it really such a huge stretch to allow me to be pregnant again?  Maybe I should just tell him I AM going to pregnant again – he can choose whether it’s for IP’s or our own baby for us.  LOL.  That should shut him up pretty quickly.

LOL.  For all my big talk I’ve never been the confrontational type, and I certainly wouldn’t want to force him into this if he really has valid concerns.  But ‘wanting his life back’?  What kind of airy-fairy mumbo-jumbo is that? 

I vaguely mentioned the possibility of me being a GS (gestational surrogate) to my mom and sister over the week-end too.  My mom was wholly uninterested (didn’t really contribute to the conversation at all, I don’t think she believes I’ll go through with it) and my sister was quite shocked.  She kept mentioning how weird and hard it would be for them to see me with a tummy that doesn’t ‘belong’ to the family.  Lol.  How hard it’ll be for THEM?!  Ai. 

Anyway, of course everyone else’s concerns and negativity just make me all the more determined to go through with it, so the cloud does have a silver lining.  I’ll just need to try and catch dh in a good moment and really talk it through with him.  As I say, if he valid worries I’ll hear them out with an open mind, and if it’s something he really can’t accept then I guess I’ll have to give in gracefully…but I’m still confident we’ll get there.  It’s understandable for him to have concerns I guess, look how many I’ve voiced on this blog just in the last 2 weeks…! The one thing that has cheered me up was realising he is actually validating my request now, I think he’s really starting to realise I’m being serious about this whole thing!

But MY reasons for thinking it’ll work:

It’s something I REALLY want to do, I WANT to help someone out there by doing something truly special.

I’m young, in good health and conceive easily.  I’ve had really easy pregnancies and deliveries that resulted in healthy, happy babies – I really believe I can do good.

I love being pregnant and it’s a bonus to experience it again.

The timing is just really good right now – I’m working from home, the kids are in school most mornings, things are just going smoothly.

and lastly: I just want this so badly.  It just feels RIGHT.

Well, I will broach it with the dear man next time we have a few minutes to ourselves (har! har!), and will definitely report back here again.  Keep everything crossed please!  I’d really like to get this ball rolling now 🙂

Completely off the topic, have any of you watched ‘How I met your Mother?’  My dh and I are half way through the first season and loving it.  It’s really funny and just keeps getting better!  Loads of fun.  We look forward to our quiet time every evening when the kids are asleep and we snuggle up in bed and watch an episode with coffee and chocolate.  Mmmm….bliss!!!

20 August – Back to the drawing board…

Well, after pretty much deciding that I wanted to do egg donation first I contacted Nurture to find out about getting the process started, and was told that they are not currently involved with Clinics for Egg Donation in my neck of the woods yet.  Argh.  So back to the drawing board it it then.

I could of course go with another clinic in my area if I had my heart set on egg donation, but I really want to go with Nurture if I can…I really get the impression that they are a fabulous organisation and that I would have a really good experience with them.  So of course it’s back to thinking about Surrogacy.  And man, I want to do it – I really, really want to do it.  I still need to convince my dh of the matter – I have mentioned it a few times and he has theoretically agreed to it – but I do understand that I really need his full backing.  Then of course I need to break the news to friends and family although I’m rather inclined to just wait until the ball is rolling before I do that.  Seems like a nightmare to go through all the big discussions and ‘have-you-thought-it-all-throughs’ when I haven’t even been accepted into the program yet!!!

But we’ll see…still a big maybe, I but I think I’m getting closer and closer every day…

In the meantime, here’s a part of one of the comments I received on my blog…I thought I would use today to answer the questions:

So, what makes a person want to donate an egg or be a surrogate? What does that entail? Is there ever the tendency for surrogate mommies to want to keep the baby they incubated?

Hmm…what made me want to donate egg or be a surrogate?  I’m honestly not sure.  I think it all started with my Uncle and Aunt’s struggle with infertility.  I watched their pain and heartbreak over 10 years as they battled to conceive, only to see my Aunt eventually forced into having a full hysterectomy.  I saw just how badly they wanted a baby of their own to love, and that has really fueled me to help others in similar circumstances.  (BTW my Uncle and Aunt did eventually adopt 2 gorgeous babies, both at just a couple of days old.  They are now 7 and 4 years respectively 🙂  )The fact that I also had such fantastic pregnancies also helps – it makes it seem less of a big deal somehow, to be a surrogate.  Ag I’m not expressing myself well – of course it’s still a big deal, huge in fact, but it’s not as much of a sacrifice as it would be for someone that had really awful, difficult pregnancies, you know?!  Besides, I loved being pregnant and would enjoy another pregnancy!!!

As for what it entails I guess it’s just about wanting to help others acheive their hearts desire…in so doing I would need to be of sound mind and with a healthy body, and willing family. 🙂

And for the last questions – I’m sure we’ve all heard the odd dodgy story about a GS (gestational surrogate) that wants to keep the baby after he/she’s (or they :-p) born, it’s not impossible – but it’s not something I’m at all concerned about.  I have my own kids, and they’re just perfect for me.  Plus, this is not something I want to do out of some misguided sense of broodiness – my motivation is purely to help, to make a difference somehow, and to make some family incredibly happy 🙂

Hope that helps somewhat – would love any comments or thoughts 🙂

Have a happy day…

11 August – Result!

Well, it’s official! I’ve passed the ‘initial’ screening test and have been mailed the full application form! I am both incredibly excited and completely terrified.

I want to do this, I so, so badly want to do this – but I have so many questions running through my mind. Once I agree to it it’s just so final – no turning back. Deep in my gut I have to say that I feel this is the right thing. THIS is the difference I could make to the world. THIS is the way I could make the world a better place, give something back…

But I have so many questions, questions that nobody can possible know the answer to. Like how will I feel once we start the process? Once I’m impregnated with somebody else’s child? Will I want to weep every time the baby kicks, knowing that I’ll never be able to keep him/her? Or will I just feel joy and peace, knowing what a wonderful gift I am giving to the IP’s (Intended Parents)? Will I regret this? How will I feel when giving birth – will I be able to cope with all that pain and trauma with no baby to show for it at the end of the day? And then of course the first few days after giving birth are so revoltingly awful, and having a baby is just about the only thing that makes it bearable – the milk, the madly diving hormones, the blood… how will I cope? Will I get past it?

I have decided that I could definitely, never be a traditional surrogate (undergoing AI – artificial insemination – where my own egg is used with donor sperm), it would just be too hard knowing that that is actually MY child in every way – my egg, my womb etc…it just wouldn’t work for me. So knowing I’d be going the gestational surrogate route (where only my womb is used, donor eggs and sperm are implanted by IVF) I know, I *KNOW* that giving up the baby wouldn’t be a problem for me. The baby is in no way or form mine so it wouldn’t even cross my mind to keep it. Yet it must be so hard…especially at the end.

You spend all this time, energy and sacrifice striving for this HUGE goal of creating life, and at the end you’re just empty – left with a saggy tummy, utterly confused hormones, bodily fluids pouring out from everywhere…and just emptiness, loss, sadness… Yet at the same time it must be fill one with such euphoria to part with such an incredible gift.

And of course I have my own two children to take into account. They are so small still, how will they feel with a pregnant (read: hormonal) mommy? Especially if it’s all ‘for nothing’ (as far as their little worlds are concerned) at the end of the day. How much quality time will all the doctors appointments, hospital visits etc take away from them? And how will they feel when they’ve experienced the entire pregnancy, but have no sibling to show for it at the end of the day?

So many things to consider…

It’s all still too much for me to comprehend – can anyone provide thoughts or insight?

But I want to do this. So very, very much!