14 January – Tardy Update

Yes I know I said I’d let you know – I am tardy and I apologise!  😉

Firstly, little Wouter 😦  Unfortunately they did find another tumour, on his heart now.  The scary thing is that it wasn’t there one week, and suddenly the next week it was there and already 3x3cm.  He has now begun Chemo and we can only hope and pray that this little guy stays strong and fights.  He had his second week of chemo yesterday and is at home now, tired and weak but otherwise doing ok.  Please, please pray that the chemo shrinks especially the heart tumour as clearly surgery is not an option there.

The family are being so brave and strong, but of course this is incredibly difficult for them so please lift them up in prayer and help them to be strong for their little boy, and their healthy little daughter (1year) who is too young to realise what is happening.

On to my surrogacy update – my news wasn’t great unfortunately.  I went for my bloods about 10 days ago and the levels (which we were hoping would drop substantially) actually rose ever so slightly 😦  The homeopath thought that might indicate Hashimoto’s so I went for a blood test but it appears not to be the case!  He has now started me on a different set of meds and oh my word I am like an energiser bunny at the moment – bouncing off the walls!  I have had endless energy since the day I started the new medication.  I’m desperately hoping this means that the meds are actually working, but of course it could simply meant hat he’s given me something with loads of caffeine in, lol, but I really am feeling amazing.  I’ve been spring-cleaning my house, cooking and baking elaborate meals, staying up late reading and waking refreshed and energized in the mornings.  I’ve even restarted my exercise regime and am LOVING it!  So here’s hoping THESE will be the meds to sort me out! 🙂

I need to go back to see the homeopath in early Feb so find out whether the meds are working so please keep those fingers crossed.  I’m desperate to meet my IP’s and continue down the surrogacy road now, I literally feel like a horse at the Durban July – in the starting blocks and prancing from foot to foot, just straining to get out!!! 🙂

18 October – What gets to me…

…just a little bit.

I know that embarking on this surrogacy adventure I’m going to need to grow a thick skin, as people are bound to have their own views and many of them won’t be shy to express them.  But here is the first thing that has started to kind of get under my skin on this journey.

Whenever I tell a new person (family, friend etc) that I intend on being a gestational surrogate (GS) they look a bit taken aback but riveted.  The very next question is ‘Who for?’.  The *second* I answer (‘I don’t know yet, I will be matched through an agency’) I’ve pretty much lost them.  ‘Wow. I can understand being a GS for someone you really love and respect…but for someone you don’t even know? No ways’ (accompanied by frowning and vigorous head shaking).  Subtext: you’re crazy lady.  Also, you’re a cold weirdo that can just give away a child without good reason.  Also you’re not looking out for your own family by doing something so rash.  etc etc.

Maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion – but people really seem shocked, and dare I say, unimpressed that I am willing to do this for a family I don’t yet know.

The fact is, if I knew a family that desperately wanted and needed help in creating their family I would love nothing more than to help them out.  But guess what, all of my close family and friends are either procreating on their own steam, or not ready to have kids yet.  So what? I should just *not* be a GS purely because by chance I don’t know the family that requires my help yet?  Seriously??  What about all the wonderful people out there that I just happen not to have met yet?  I want to help, they want help…so what’s the problem??

I mean, family we’re born into, but what is friendship other than a series of random encounters that eventually (through some deeper connection based on love and trust) develop into something more?

Of course I want to know, and love and trust my future IP’s, and I’m confident that I will.  I’ll find that connection, and the best thing will come of it.  A brand new family.

I do understand that people are surprised when they first hear about this journey.  But it gets me that often they are negative before even really listening to my responses.  And by then of course, they are so blinded by their own fog of negativity that they’re not really listening to my responses anyway.  They’re too busy thinking of yet another reason why this is a bad idea.

Even my gynaecologist (and yes thank you, AF stayed away long enough for me to have my check-up yesterday, so thanks for those no-AF vibes 😉  ) looked at me as if I was nuts.  He was very kind, very supportive, very sweet.  But definitely thought I was losing the plot.

Anyway, I’m sure on my journey I’ll come across many more irritating things…it’s all good – I’ll learn to suck it up and I’m sure, even laugh about it.  I was watching some video clips on You Tube where former GS Minette Trent talks about her journey and she mentioned wearing a maternity T-shirt with “Not my husband’s baby” emblazoned on the front, and “Not mine either!” on the back. Now *that’ll* get people talking 🙂 🙂

I really want to get me one of those shirts 😉

15 October – Things in the pipeline..

Things are moving along as smoothly as can be expected!

1. I have an exam scheduled with my own gynae this week friday.  This is not in any way a requirement of the agency, but I just felt it makes sense to speak to someone that knows my full history and has only *my* interests at heart about this decision.  Since the CIN1 I also never miss an opportunity to go for a check-up, so it seemed like a good idea all around.

The only spanner in the works is that when I made the appointment 3 weeks ago I accepted the first available slot and never considered where I would be in my cycle.  True as nuts I’m due to come on any day now, and have experienced mild cramping all morning.  I’m still sitting tight and holding thumbs that AF does not arrive before Friday, but I know Murphy and his stupid Law so chances are it’ll happen. *sigh*.  In that case I’ll phone the gynae’s offices and ask if I can reschedule.  I really want to get this done asap though so here’s hoping…!

2. I have finally managed to secure an appointment for my psychological screening.  This will happen next Wednesday morning.  Once my I’ve finished the consult I can apparently expect it to takes up to 2 weeks for the report on me to be compiled and filed with the agency, so I won’t be holding my breath.

3. I’ve approached a couple of friends and family members to compile some references for me, which the agency also requires.  I’m hoping to be able to send these to the agency within the next few days.

Once all the above are sorted (and assuming everything is in order) we’ll start planning my trip to Cape Town / Johannesburg for my medical workup, meeting with lawyers and a social worker – and to meet IP’s!!!  I’m so very excited about that trip, can’t wait for things to get moving now.

BUT in the meantime we are getting there..that’s the main thing!

Please send non-AF vibes until Friday lunchtime, lol.

28 September – The verdict is IN!

He said YES, he said, YES! Holy crap HE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in case you’ve only just started reading my blog – I asked my dear husband to think over the possibility of me becoming a surrogate mother and he has *finally* answered. And yup, I have to say it again…just for the thrill of it – HE SAID YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

I’m so, so, so excited. I know it’s just one more hurdle (and there are a whole lot more to come!) but it is certainly a significant step forward!

*I have ‘passed’ the initial screening/application
*I have wrapped my own head around the enormity of what i’m about to undertake
*I have my dh’s full support

Now I need to fill in the full application, go for a medical screening, go for a psychological screening, meet IP’s (intended parents). Once I’ve found a couple that I want to work with (and that wants to work with me!) we need to go through all the legalities, make a million and one choices…and never mind all the injections, scans (dildo-cams, ARGH!) etc. Yup, it’s a loong road ahead but what an exciting one. I honestly cannot WAIT to get on it.

I just hope I manage to pass all the other screening tests. My dh reckons I should try to get a ‘surrogate’ to stand in for me at the psychological screening. Grrr…;)

I’m literally bouncing here, I am sooooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!

24 August – The Plot Thickens…

ARGH.  Men can be so frustrating sometimes.  You may remember that a few posts ago I mentioned that dh had theoretically agreed to the idea of me being a surrogate, even though we hadn’t really had a deep discussion about it yet…well when I mentioned something about it in passing yesterday he just got this really concerned look on his face.  “What?” I asked, “Don’t you think you’ll be able to help me with the fertility meds…injections etc?” “No,” was his reply, “I’m just more concerned about this whole pregnancy thing.”  “What?”  I pretty much shrieked, “WHY?”  “Well,” he said, “It’s just that I want our lives back again at some stage…”  By now I was getting really worked up and pretty darn annoyed.  “What on earth are you talking about?  It’s a PREGNANCY, and surrogate one at that.  It’s not our baby, it will never be our baby – it’s pregnancy, end of story.  How much can that possibly impact on YOUR lifestyle??”

He had no answer for that one.  Just rolled over and went to sleep.  ARGH!!!  If you want to argue about then at least have a good solid backing argument.  How can you just roll over and go to sleep?  Did it SEEM like the discussion was over???

If you’ve been following my posts then you KNOW that I’m not taking this step of being a surrogate (or wanting to be a surrogate) lightly – I know it’ll be hard and of course it’ll impact my life in a huge way, emotionally, and to a certain extent physically.  Because I have small children I pretty much take it easy anyway, don’t really drink, definitely no bungi jumping (LOL) etc etc..so the only way the physical impact will be really big is if I end up with multiples, or a really awful (sickly) pregnancy.  So yeah..it obviously affects me..

But HOW does this affect my husband?  Yes he may have to deal with my tiredness and some unreasonable moods, but is it really such a huge stretch to allow me to be pregnant again?  Maybe I should just tell him I AM going to pregnant again – he can choose whether it’s for IP’s or our own baby for us.  LOL.  That should shut him up pretty quickly.

LOL.  For all my big talk I’ve never been the confrontational type, and I certainly wouldn’t want to force him into this if he really has valid concerns.  But ‘wanting his life back’?  What kind of airy-fairy mumbo-jumbo is that? 

I vaguely mentioned the possibility of me being a GS (gestational surrogate) to my mom and sister over the week-end too.  My mom was wholly uninterested (didn’t really contribute to the conversation at all, I don’t think she believes I’ll go through with it) and my sister was quite shocked.  She kept mentioning how weird and hard it would be for them to see me with a tummy that doesn’t ‘belong’ to the family.  Lol.  How hard it’ll be for THEM?!  Ai. 

Anyway, of course everyone else’s concerns and negativity just make me all the more determined to go through with it, so the cloud does have a silver lining.  I’ll just need to try and catch dh in a good moment and really talk it through with him.  As I say, if he valid worries I’ll hear them out with an open mind, and if it’s something he really can’t accept then I guess I’ll have to give in gracefully…but I’m still confident we’ll get there.  It’s understandable for him to have concerns I guess, look how many I’ve voiced on this blog just in the last 2 weeks…! The one thing that has cheered me up was realising he is actually validating my request now, I think he’s really starting to realise I’m being serious about this whole thing!

But MY reasons for thinking it’ll work:

It’s something I REALLY want to do, I WANT to help someone out there by doing something truly special.

I’m young, in good health and conceive easily.  I’ve had really easy pregnancies and deliveries that resulted in healthy, happy babies – I really believe I can do good.

I love being pregnant and it’s a bonus to experience it again.

The timing is just really good right now – I’m working from home, the kids are in school most mornings, things are just going smoothly.

and lastly: I just want this so badly.  It just feels RIGHT.

Well, I will broach it with the dear man next time we have a few minutes to ourselves (har! har!), and will definitely report back here again.  Keep everything crossed please!  I’d really like to get this ball rolling now 🙂

Completely off the topic, have any of you watched ‘How I met your Mother?’  My dh and I are half way through the first season and loving it.  It’s really funny and just keeps getting better!  Loads of fun.  We look forward to our quiet time every evening when the kids are asleep and we snuggle up in bed and watch an episode with coffee and chocolate.  Mmmm….bliss!!!

11 August – Result!

Well, it’s official! I’ve passed the ‘initial’ screening test and have been mailed the full application form! I am both incredibly excited and completely terrified.

I want to do this, I so, so badly want to do this – but I have so many questions running through my mind. Once I agree to it it’s just so final – no turning back. Deep in my gut I have to say that I feel this is the right thing. THIS is the difference I could make to the world. THIS is the way I could make the world a better place, give something back…

But I have so many questions, questions that nobody can possible know the answer to. Like how will I feel once we start the process? Once I’m impregnated with somebody else’s child? Will I want to weep every time the baby kicks, knowing that I’ll never be able to keep him/her? Or will I just feel joy and peace, knowing what a wonderful gift I am giving to the IP’s (Intended Parents)? Will I regret this? How will I feel when giving birth – will I be able to cope with all that pain and trauma with no baby to show for it at the end of the day? And then of course the first few days after giving birth are so revoltingly awful, and having a baby is just about the only thing that makes it bearable – the milk, the madly diving hormones, the blood… how will I cope? Will I get past it?

I have decided that I could definitely, never be a traditional surrogate (undergoing AI – artificial insemination – where my own egg is used with donor sperm), it would just be too hard knowing that that is actually MY child in every way – my egg, my womb etc…it just wouldn’t work for me. So knowing I’d be going the gestational surrogate route (where only my womb is used, donor eggs and sperm are implanted by IVF) I know, I *KNOW* that giving up the baby wouldn’t be a problem for me. The baby is in no way or form mine so it wouldn’t even cross my mind to keep it. Yet it must be so hard…especially at the end.

You spend all this time, energy and sacrifice striving for this HUGE goal of creating life, and at the end you’re just empty – left with a saggy tummy, utterly confused hormones, bodily fluids pouring out from everywhere…and just emptiness, loss, sadness… Yet at the same time it must be fill one with such euphoria to part with such an incredible gift.

And of course I have my own two children to take into account. They are so small still, how will they feel with a pregnant (read: hormonal) mommy? Especially if it’s all ‘for nothing’ (as far as their little worlds are concerned) at the end of the day. How much quality time will all the doctors appointments, hospital visits etc take away from them? And how will they feel when they’ve experienced the entire pregnancy, but have no sibling to show for it at the end of the day?

So many things to consider…

It’s all still too much for me to comprehend – can anyone provide thoughts or insight?

But I want to do this. So very, very much!