23 February – Officially drug dependant!

So as of 10 days ago I am officially dependant on drugs!  I have been feeling horrendous, really ridiculously lethergic and tired because my hormone levels were so high, but I think the Eltroxin may finally be kicking in now as today I woke up with more energy than I’ve had in weeks!  I had a lovely day – Caeli’s preschool was closed for half-term so we had a girly shopping & lunching morning while James went to daycare…it was lots of fun!  We then cleaned the house together, played etc, and I managed to get them all cleaned, bathed, pyjama’d and had a full meal ready by the time my husband got home from work.  I honestly can’t remember WHEN I last managed all that in one day!  So hurray for Eltroxin! 😉

When I had my GP appointment (about 2 weeks ago) I did get a bit of a shock.  I was honestly expecting to just walk in, get a script and walk back out again… but alas.  He was a bit concerned about the size of my thyroid – I don’t have a goiter but when I swallow you can actually see the shape of my thyroid clearly and it is enlarged.  He urged me to have an ultrasound done just to ensure that there are no nasties lurking there.  I just immediately went cold at the thought – but tried to stay calm.  He unfortunately doesn’t have an ultrasound machine so I was sent into town.  I raced through the rush hour traffic and eventually got to the path lab where they gave me all the relevant forms.  The whole thing felt so surreal – my husband and children were with me and I just kept thinking “What if they find something terrible.  What if this is it??”  As the radiographer quietly scanned away at my throat, and then walked out to call the doctor I can honestly say I have never.  NEVER. been so scared in all my life.

The doctor found a cyst.  On the report he says that it is ‘probably a thyroglossal cyst’.  This report was faxed to my GP and he doesn’t seem to concerned, we’ll go over it in detail at my next appointment in 3 months time so I guess I can rest easy for now – but it was not a nice experience at all…and I just hope and pray that this cyst is in fact just a harmless little cyst that MAY even disappear on it’s own.

On surrogacy related news the GP wants me to be on Eltroxin for 3 months before falling pregnant.  I’ll have more bloods in May and if all is looking good then, THEN I’ll finally be able to move forward.  I have contacted my agency and they are being very understanding and supportive.  They have found a new surrogate for the couple I had been tentatively matched with – and I must admit I am overwhelmingly relieved and excited for them!  I was feeling awful at keeping them waiting all this time, so I am so happy to hear they have been matched with someone else and are finally moving forward!

19 January – My dream last night…

Last night I had such a vivid dream, and I just want to capture it here – before it floats away as dreams tend to do…

I think the dream stemmed from the fact that a few of my fellow Gestational Surrogate (GS) bloggers have just given birth to their surro-babies.  Obviously with me wanting to do the same thing I’ve spend a lot of time wondering what they must be going through and how they must be feeling…

In my dream I was heavily pregnant with a surro-baby, and beginning to go into labour.  I remember the big belly, the sadness of knowing this journey was just about over, but yet the overwhelming excitement of knowing that I was about to give life to a new family.  I felt incredibly emotional, but in a good way.

The dream was pretty convoluted and at times didn’t make much sense (although it made sense at the time if you know what I mean).  I was pregnant with someone else’s baby, but hadn’t actually been properly matched to my IP’s yet (??? LOL).  So I was in labour but the IP’s weren’t there, as they didn’t even know that I was expecting their baby yet.

I remember that I was getting to the stage where I had to push – I clearly remember hoping that the IP’s would come – and also that they would then stay by my head, LOL.  And suddenly the baby was here.  Funny that after giving drug-free birth twice I just managed to gloss over the actual pain of giving birth in my dream – lol.  I guess maybe that’s because I already know what that entails.  I know exactly how sore it is, but I also know that I CAN do it.  I have done it before and I’ll manage to do it again… I believe the purpose of this dream was more about preparing me for the emotional rollercoaster of being a surrogate.

Anyway, the baby was born with no sign of the IP’s, so the baby was wrapped up and handed straight to me.  It was unconceivable that she wouldn’t be cuddled immediately by someone!  She was beautiful, tiny and new and just perfect. Even though I didn’t in any way feel like she was mine, or like I wanted to keep her – I just remember that feeling of emotions rising up in my chest, a heavy feeling like I was holding back a sob?  I felt very proud, very happy, very overwhelmed.

She kept turning her head towards me and rooting for the breast, and I felt so bad that I couldn’t feed her – it was like my body instinctively wanted to feed her, but my heart and mind didn’t agree.  I was worried about her being hungry though and kept hoping that the IP’s would come soon to give her some food.

Eventually the IP’s did arrive, and I remember apologising over and over that they couldn’t be there for the birth.  I just kept saying “I’m so sorry she just came so fast”.  They didn’t mind at all and were just immediately wrapped up in their little baby girl.  They were elated and thankful and wonderful.

It made everything worth it – although that emotional feeling stayed with me, even now as I sit here typing this I can still feel that emotional, heavy feeling on my chest.  I was just so real.

It was a wonderful dream though. I know without a doubt that this is something I need and want to do.  As difficult as it will be at times it’s bound to be in incredible journey, and I just can’t wait to get on board!!!!!

2 October – How much panic is normal?

Lol.

Now that I’ve started setting the wheels in motion regarding the surrogacy thing I keep having bouts of panicky thoughts where I think ‘Uh-oh, this is so huge, can I really do this?!’.  I’m thinking this is completely normal, and good too as it means that I am really coming to terms with it fully, it’s not like I’m just igoring the realities… but how much panic is ‘too much’…when do I cross the line from ‘positive with legitimate concerns’ to ‘wanting to run for the hills’?

Don’t get me wrong – 99% of the time I still KNOW that this is the right path for me, that this is something I really want to do etc etc…and the frustrating thing is the nature of my concerns.

I’m not worried about the really big, life-changing stuff like handing the baby back to her parents at the end of the pregnancy – I’m not saying it’ll be easy but it’ll be something I can prepare myself for.  No, my worries are far more superficial than that.

I’m worried about all the injections and invasive procedures.  I think I’ve done too much reading up on them and now I’m psyching myself out completely!  So how bad are those IM Progesterone in Oil injections really, hmmmm?

I’m also worried about how my poked, prodded and ultimately pregnant (not to mention moody and hormonal) self will impact on my children’s lives.  I would hate for them to really suffer because of any of this – they do have to come first!  BUT I really think I’m over-thinking it somewhat…

There’s also just the logistics of the travelling to think through : if I need to fly out to the FS’s a couple of times, what on earth will I do with my kids?  The grandparents and daddy work, their schools only run half day…not to mention that I’ve never been away from them for even a night before so a week away sounds terribly daunting!

I know it looks like a lot of reasons NOT to do this just yet, but those thoughts only catch me every now and again, usually at 3am when I’m trying my best to go back to sleep after getting up for Jamie.  By far the MOST of the time I’m so excited to be on this journey.  I want to get going and logically, realistically I KNOW that my kids aren’t going to suffer just because their mommy is going to be pregnant again.  And hopefully, hopefully they’ll learn a very important lesson from it too!  The injections…well, I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and be brave as all hell.  🙂

For any IVF veterans reading this post – is it the ‘usual done thing’ to do a mock cycle before your first IVF run?  I can understand the reason for this, yet I really don’t like the idea of all those meds, all those injections (eek, can you see this is really becoming an issue, lol) for nothing! 🙂

So this is the part where I need some help and encouragement…anyone???

29 September – Question for other Gestational Surrogates…

So the clinic that I would really like to go with has contacted me after filling in the application form and they seem happy with everything so far – of course it’ll take a while to get all the in depth checks done but on the surface everything looks good so far.

They’ve asked me if I would consider travelling to a particular clinic to have the procedure done (about a 2 hours flight from where I stay).  At first I was not entirely keen as I’ve never left my kids before and the thought stresses me out – but on reflection it is probably a good idea to get away.  After the transfer I could then also go straight back to the hotel and literally just stay on bedrest for at least a night to maximise the chances of the embies taking – does my logic make sense so far?

I have emailed her back with some of my questions but in the meantime – for those of you that travelled for the transfar, can you give me a rough idea of how often you had to go?  Did you initially just get sent instructions and meds and have all your initial consults in your hometown, and then only travel for the actual transfer?  Or did you have to travel often?  Also roughly how long were you away for?

If it entailed me going on one 3/4 day trip I honestly don’t think there’d be an issue, however if I was going often it would obviously be a lot harder to arrange everything!

If I’m prepared to travel then they are confident that they might be able to match me quite soon – exciting days!!!

Would love some comments, opinions or advice please 🙂

28 September – The verdict is IN!

He said YES, he said, YES! Holy crap HE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in case you’ve only just started reading my blog – I asked my dear husband to think over the possibility of me becoming a surrogate mother and he has *finally* answered. And yup, I have to say it again…just for the thrill of it – HE SAID YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

I’m so, so, so excited. I know it’s just one more hurdle (and there are a whole lot more to come!) but it is certainly a significant step forward!

*I have ‘passed’ the initial screening/application
*I have wrapped my own head around the enormity of what i’m about to undertake
*I have my dh’s full support

Now I need to fill in the full application, go for a medical screening, go for a psychological screening, meet IP’s (intended parents). Once I’ve found a couple that I want to work with (and that wants to work with me!) we need to go through all the legalities, make a million and one choices…and never mind all the injections, scans (dildo-cams, ARGH!) etc. Yup, it’s a loong road ahead but what an exciting one. I honestly cannot WAIT to get on it.

I just hope I manage to pass all the other screening tests. My dh reckons I should try to get a ‘surrogate’ to stand in for me at the psychological screening. Grrr…;)

I’m literally bouncing here, I am sooooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!

24 August – The Plot Thickens…

ARGH.  Men can be so frustrating sometimes.  You may remember that a few posts ago I mentioned that dh had theoretically agreed to the idea of me being a surrogate, even though we hadn’t really had a deep discussion about it yet…well when I mentioned something about it in passing yesterday he just got this really concerned look on his face.  “What?” I asked, “Don’t you think you’ll be able to help me with the fertility meds…injections etc?” “No,” was his reply, “I’m just more concerned about this whole pregnancy thing.”  “What?”  I pretty much shrieked, “WHY?”  “Well,” he said, “It’s just that I want our lives back again at some stage…”  By now I was getting really worked up and pretty darn annoyed.  “What on earth are you talking about?  It’s a PREGNANCY, and surrogate one at that.  It’s not our baby, it will never be our baby – it’s pregnancy, end of story.  How much can that possibly impact on YOUR lifestyle??”

He had no answer for that one.  Just rolled over and went to sleep.  ARGH!!!  If you want to argue about then at least have a good solid backing argument.  How can you just roll over and go to sleep?  Did it SEEM like the discussion was over???

If you’ve been following my posts then you KNOW that I’m not taking this step of being a surrogate (or wanting to be a surrogate) lightly – I know it’ll be hard and of course it’ll impact my life in a huge way, emotionally, and to a certain extent physically.  Because I have small children I pretty much take it easy anyway, don’t really drink, definitely no bungi jumping (LOL) etc etc..so the only way the physical impact will be really big is if I end up with multiples, or a really awful (sickly) pregnancy.  So yeah..it obviously affects me..

But HOW does this affect my husband?  Yes he may have to deal with my tiredness and some unreasonable moods, but is it really such a huge stretch to allow me to be pregnant again?  Maybe I should just tell him I AM going to pregnant again – he can choose whether it’s for IP’s or our own baby for us.  LOL.  That should shut him up pretty quickly.

LOL.  For all my big talk I’ve never been the confrontational type, and I certainly wouldn’t want to force him into this if he really has valid concerns.  But ‘wanting his life back’?  What kind of airy-fairy mumbo-jumbo is that? 

I vaguely mentioned the possibility of me being a GS (gestational surrogate) to my mom and sister over the week-end too.  My mom was wholly uninterested (didn’t really contribute to the conversation at all, I don’t think she believes I’ll go through with it) and my sister was quite shocked.  She kept mentioning how weird and hard it would be for them to see me with a tummy that doesn’t ‘belong’ to the family.  Lol.  How hard it’ll be for THEM?!  Ai. 

Anyway, of course everyone else’s concerns and negativity just make me all the more determined to go through with it, so the cloud does have a silver lining.  I’ll just need to try and catch dh in a good moment and really talk it through with him.  As I say, if he valid worries I’ll hear them out with an open mind, and if it’s something he really can’t accept then I guess I’ll have to give in gracefully…but I’m still confident we’ll get there.  It’s understandable for him to have concerns I guess, look how many I’ve voiced on this blog just in the last 2 weeks…! The one thing that has cheered me up was realising he is actually validating my request now, I think he’s really starting to realise I’m being serious about this whole thing!

But MY reasons for thinking it’ll work:

It’s something I REALLY want to do, I WANT to help someone out there by doing something truly special.

I’m young, in good health and conceive easily.  I’ve had really easy pregnancies and deliveries that resulted in healthy, happy babies – I really believe I can do good.

I love being pregnant and it’s a bonus to experience it again.

The timing is just really good right now – I’m working from home, the kids are in school most mornings, things are just going smoothly.

and lastly: I just want this so badly.  It just feels RIGHT.

Well, I will broach it with the dear man next time we have a few minutes to ourselves (har! har!), and will definitely report back here again.  Keep everything crossed please!  I’d really like to get this ball rolling now 🙂

Completely off the topic, have any of you watched ‘How I met your Mother?’  My dh and I are half way through the first season and loving it.  It’s really funny and just keeps getting better!  Loads of fun.  We look forward to our quiet time every evening when the kids are asleep and we snuggle up in bed and watch an episode with coffee and chocolate.  Mmmm….bliss!!!

20 August – Back to the drawing board…

Well, after pretty much deciding that I wanted to do egg donation first I contacted Nurture to find out about getting the process started, and was told that they are not currently involved with Clinics for Egg Donation in my neck of the woods yet.  Argh.  So back to the drawing board it it then.

I could of course go with another clinic in my area if I had my heart set on egg donation, but I really want to go with Nurture if I can…I really get the impression that they are a fabulous organisation and that I would have a really good experience with them.  So of course it’s back to thinking about Surrogacy.  And man, I want to do it – I really, really want to do it.  I still need to convince my dh of the matter – I have mentioned it a few times and he has theoretically agreed to it – but I do understand that I really need his full backing.  Then of course I need to break the news to friends and family although I’m rather inclined to just wait until the ball is rolling before I do that.  Seems like a nightmare to go through all the big discussions and ‘have-you-thought-it-all-throughs’ when I haven’t even been accepted into the program yet!!!

But we’ll see…still a big maybe, I but I think I’m getting closer and closer every day…

In the meantime, here’s a part of one of the comments I received on my blog…I thought I would use today to answer the questions:

So, what makes a person want to donate an egg or be a surrogate? What does that entail? Is there ever the tendency for surrogate mommies to want to keep the baby they incubated?

Hmm…what made me want to donate egg or be a surrogate?  I’m honestly not sure.  I think it all started with my Uncle and Aunt’s struggle with infertility.  I watched their pain and heartbreak over 10 years as they battled to conceive, only to see my Aunt eventually forced into having a full hysterectomy.  I saw just how badly they wanted a baby of their own to love, and that has really fueled me to help others in similar circumstances.  (BTW my Uncle and Aunt did eventually adopt 2 gorgeous babies, both at just a couple of days old.  They are now 7 and 4 years respectively 🙂  )The fact that I also had such fantastic pregnancies also helps – it makes it seem less of a big deal somehow, to be a surrogate.  Ag I’m not expressing myself well – of course it’s still a big deal, huge in fact, but it’s not as much of a sacrifice as it would be for someone that had really awful, difficult pregnancies, you know?!  Besides, I loved being pregnant and would enjoy another pregnancy!!!

As for what it entails I guess it’s just about wanting to help others acheive their hearts desire…in so doing I would need to be of sound mind and with a healthy body, and willing family. 🙂

And for the last questions – I’m sure we’ve all heard the odd dodgy story about a GS (gestational surrogate) that wants to keep the baby after he/she’s (or they :-p) born, it’s not impossible – but it’s not something I’m at all concerned about.  I have my own kids, and they’re just perfect for me.  Plus, this is not something I want to do out of some misguided sense of broodiness – my motivation is purely to help, to make a difference somehow, and to make some family incredibly happy 🙂

Hope that helps somewhat – would love any comments or thoughts 🙂

Have a happy day…

13 August – In absolute awe…

Since beginning this new journey of mine I have literally been eating, sleeping and dreaming of surrogacy, infertility etc etc.   I am spending countless hours in front of my laptop reading every single scrap of information I can find on the topic.

The in’s and out’s of the procedures, although interesting, are last on my list at this stage.  What I want are real insights into the world of surrogacy.  I want to know how people have managed on their journeys (from both sides of the fence, GS and IP’s), what’s been difficult and what’s been special; what regrets they have, and what parts of their journey have been priceless, rewarding, irreplaceable.

On this journey I have stumbled across countless blogs of infertile couples and all I can say is Wow.  I have the greatest respect for all of you that are grappling with such huge obstacles in your lives.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and I so desperately hope that one day you are granted your deepest wishes.  I’m in awe of the way that you are able to face what you have been dished up, and how beautifully you express yourselves.  Some of the emotions I’ve come across are so very raw, and if nothing else it just solidifies my commitment to make a difference.  Seeing those emotions…has made me more convinced than ever that I have to, no I WANT to, do something to make a difference. Admittedly I still haven’t come too much further in my decision making process, but that’s ok for now.  I will continue to read, and pray.  And I am confident that things will happen, just the way they should.

 

And to all of you showing such strength and courage in the face of such adversity, I take my hat off to you all.  You are more woman than I think I’ll ever be.